Published on 12, July, 2020
My circumstances are good right now. But my brain puts a negative spin on everything and will seek out problems and find the negative aspects of fucking anything and enlarge them so that they overshadow any of the good stuff. Everyone around me is just being nice but everything they say irritates me and makes me angry. I can feel myself being a *** but can't stop. Then I feel extremely guilty for not being as nice and happy and enthusiastic as everyone else. Does anyone else feel like this? Do you hide it and pretend to be happy and try to come across friendly and nice? I feel like that's exhausting
Our circumstances can be amazing but it doesn’t mean we feel a sense of contentment or fulfilment. Having and Being are wildly different things.
Maybe begin to write down you’re thoughts. All of them. Let yourself talk. Exhaust whatever needs to be stated on paper. Perhaps there’s a catalogue of unresolved matters which you can no longer keep from bubbling to the surface.
Most people aren’t happy and enthusiastic inside. But they’d rather play the role of happy than be omitted from a social collective. That’s how guilt works in society. It’s there to keep everyone in a pretend state of “seemingly content” and subliminally sends messages that discontentment is for the weak or the uncool or the unwanted. Parents tell their children no one cares so don’t complain or dismiss their children’s needs saying someone else is worse off. We’re all human and actually need to feel a sense of connexion and some kind of agency.
Work out what you want. It won’t be just one thing. Start there.