I am currently sitting in front of my computer at a nocturnal hour, with a whole array of emotions whirling around my head, feeling almost as though I've just had the rug pulled from under me. I need to get this mass of jumbled thoughts out of my system, which is something that I usually excel at, but on this occasion, it is proving difficult. Therefore, apologies if it seems as though I'm rambling and making little sense, and also if I come across as selfish.
Much of this past year has been difficult for me in terms of my emotions, particularly because many have them have revolved around someone that often drove me to despair, but whom I also cared about very deeply. Toward the end of October, I found myself in a situation of knowing that I needed to try to put them in my past. Although there had been zero contact, switching off my emotions and thoughts about this person wasn't quite so easy. When my emotions are an issue, it's like my life grinds to a halt and I'm barely able to function.
So, after a period of about 3 weeks, I had reached a point of accepting that if I was to stand a chance of functioning again, I had no choice but to put one foot in front of the other (baby steps). I had started listening to guided sleep meditations, the idea being that the spoken words would work their magic on my subconscious mind and help me to get to a happier place. What I hadn't been expecting was for this person to re-appear in my life because they felt we needed to resume contact. Whilst I won't deny that I felt a little wary, I was delighted. Previously, there had been a lot of misunderstandings that resulted in a seemingly endless cycle of negative feedback loops. Suddenly, it had seemed (to me, at least) that we were working together to heal the rifts and foster a deeper understanding of each other, in order to prevent (or at least reduce) negative feedback loops occurring in the future.
A few hours ago, this person messaged me, telling me to take care, and giving me the impression that I wouldn't be hearing from them again. Whilst I know it was probably never their intention, it almost left me feeling like I had been used. Also, the timing absolutely sucks. This is the point where I will possibly sound selfish. My birthday is in approximately a fortnight's time, which they knew. Only a few days ago, this person had raised it and said that they wanted to send me a gift. They refused to take no for an answer. Irrespective of whether anything does arrive in the post, I think I am likely to end up finding the day to be even more of a damp squib than it would normally be. It now seems hard to believe that less than 48 hours ago, I had been feeling somewhat optimistic, and putting the finishing touches to a Christmas card to send to them.
When contact resumed a few days ago, I had been under the impression that this person was in a far better place than when they had previously exited it. It made me feel so pleased and happy for them. For months, my son had been on the fence as to how genuine this person actually was. However, after I had sought his opinion on Monday, he said that he felt that he owed this person a big apology for things that had been said in the past.
I do not want this post to come across as though I am blaming this person for the state of MY emotions, but right now it would be an absolute Godsend if the guided sleep meditations I've been listening to had the effect of causing me to wake up with a partially-erased memory.
