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Feeling ignored

NAS82601

Hi, this is my first time posting so hello everyone. Basically I’ve been with my partner for 3 years who has not been diagnosed with autism but been told by medical professionals that they think he has it and he is trying to get a diagnosis. He is a really lovely and very intelligent man but we have had problems from nearly the beginning. I won’t go through it all but just focus on what is bothering me right now and it’s relatively minor but on top of the other things, too much. I just want to find out if this could be related to autism and any reasons begins it. When we are talking about something and the topic begins to make me anxious, and I say I don’t want to talk about it anymore, he will often keep talking about it, and it upsets me because it’s usually not an important discussion and I just feel disrespected and my feelings disregarded. Also if I am really upset or sad ( because things have built up inside now) and it has something to do with him he will have a meltdown so I started bottling things up more and getting more hurt and angry inside. If anyone can shed any light on this I would be very grateful. This isn’t a criticism of him I just need some help.

  • in reply to NAS90609

    Hi, I’m so sorry I didn’t use the exact right words in my post, I was so engrossed in my own feelings of being at the end of my rope that I didn’t think to research the exact definitions! But thank you for your post.

  • Autistic people not reading and managing the flow of conversations in the same way neurotypical people do is a stereotype that comes up a lot. These things (and many others) can manifest in different ways so maybe that's part of what you're feeling.

    It could also be basic couple communication issues - maybe these things are important to him, maybe he feels they need to be said. What couple doesn't occasionally wish the other would stop talking!

    More seriously - a situation where one person is suppressing feelings or emotions in the belief that it's for the benefit of the other when it's hurting them doing it and hurting the other when they find out about it is not sustainable.

    One partner might need to let the other know some methods of communication that work best for them and what ones are likely to trigger things, the other might need to work hard to adapt their communication style under certain circumstances but also be able to set some limitations and not feel like they're walking on eggshells.

    My partner and I have both agreed that if a conversation is causing problems - we can just say it. It has to be said politely and respectfully but it can be said and at that point - the conversation has to end or change, no exceptions.

    That's way easier said than implemented though and it took years and some very tough times for us to get to that point.

    (One last thing - autistic people don't 'have' autism they 'are' autistic).

    I hope some of that helps.