Hi,
I'm new to this platform and reaching out as a worried mother of a 16 year old, who I'm pretty certain has autism though we have not yet sought a diagnosis.
My child has always been different to other children – unsettled and barely sleeping from day one, separation anxiety as a baby (would not be held or cared for by anyone other than me or my husband), utter fear and then disengagement with nursery aged nine months (after lots of crying would go into a complete other-worldly daze and would not be able to recognise me for several seconds when I came to pick her up), eventually settled better with a childminder in a quiet setting, slow to speak yet hyperlexic and reading fluently by age 5, avoids social situations whenever possible, sensitivity to things like labels on clothes, intense obsessions with things like musicals, TV shows, etc, the list goes on. It wasn't until I read about autism in girls when my child was about 11 that I twigged, and then everything seemed to make a lot more sense.
Having been born female, my child has recently decided to switch to non-binary, change their name and use they/them pronouns. I've tried to be supportive of this but I worry that it stems from feelings of being different, rather than true feelings of gender dysmorphia – it never came up when they were younger. I've read that there's a huge cross over between gender dysmorphia and autism. I wonder if that feeling of not-fitting-in makes the prospect of a non-binary gender seem more attractive, as it makes it more socially acceptable to be different and be proud of it (especially at school where several of their friends are either non-binary or trans). They are using a chest binder and I worry that it could progress further to hormone treatments.
So far, so so, but this last week, things took a turn for the worse when I discovered evidence of self harm (cutting). My child has also been avoiding food more than usual – skipping meals and not eating nearly enough. The school has also flagged that they're worried about them not eating enough. They have always been thin but they are now pretty skinny (though it's hard to tell how thin as they wear baggy clothes and refuse to be weighed). Their behaviour has become less agreeable – grumpier and less tolerant (though I realise this is not unusual for a teenager!). They prefer to spend as much time as possible alone in their room. I worry about what content they're accessing online and that they are suffering from depression.
They are excelling academically and they are incredibly good at masking their feelings and pretending to be 'normal' to fit in, which is why not many people have picked up on their problems. They agree that they are probably autistic but they are denying that they have any problem with self harm, eating disorders or mental health (despite me giving them evidence to contrary). They won't or can't talk about their emotions and they won't see a councillor.
I'm thinking that I should try to get an autism diagnosis as that may open up doors to more support (I realise I'll have to do this privately as the NHS is so slow). However, for a child who is refusing to admit there's a problem, I'm not sure how best to really help them in the here and now. I try to tell them that it's ok to not feel ok, and that having autism can make day-to-day life incredibly hard and emotionally exhausting, and it's understandable that they're struggling, that it's not unusual or wrong to feel bad. However, they just don't seem to want to let anyone in. I've suggested they try to talk to friends or teachers but they won't. I've booked a GP appointment but I doubt I'll be able to persuade them to engage with a doctor.
I'm really worried that that they will develop full-blown anorexia and sink into a deep depression, all whilst hiding it from everyone who loves them. What am I supposed to do? Has anyone faced a similar situation? Or does anyone know of any councillors I could talk to who specialise in non-binary autistic teenagers, especially those who were assigned female at birth?
Any help or signposting gratefully received as I'm not sure where to turn.
