TW (bullying,abuse)
I'm in my last year in secondary school i hate it. I've always hated school ever since nursery (my mam would have to drag me into the school and id scream and cry) around the middle of year 6 i stopped going in, i literally couldn't get in. the kids were really nasty to me and the teachers were as well, it was so loud there were like 30 kids in class and zero control over class so they would literally be shouting through the class and i couldn't learn anything so i fell really behind.
when i moved to secondary school things got ALOT worse, as my mam put it i 'never settled' into that cesspool of a school.i never went it was to stressful, i was bullied, isolated and struggled to keep up in every lesson i was in.when i didn't go in it was hell my 'family' would come over to my house to shout at me for hours on end, its hard to remember properly what they were going on about but they mostly just blamed my laptop for me not going in, tell me how im faking my mental illness, about how im ruining my mams life and shes gonna get arrested if i don't go to school and that im the black sheep of the family and made myself that way by not going to school.But one day it was really bad and my grandma physically dragged me out of my house and threw me out, it doesn't sound that bad but was really painful and i was left with a lot of bruising and a cut of her ring (which i was accused by my family of faking and was gas lighted into believing i did it to myself), not to mention how scary that was.After that i got all the blame for my counsellor telling the police about it, i remember one of them saying "shes crying her eyes out right now because of you".
fast forward to year 10, i loved year 10 i had a home tutor for about half of the year and she was amazing,She would happily talk to me the whole time instead of making me to work, and when i did do work she let choose what i wanted to do.eventually she referred me to a unit for kids with poor attendance due to mental illness.i struggled a lot a first with the unit, my entire life I've had one friend by my side to be my voice and speak for me (im spent most my life semi-vocal when i went to the unit i was non-vocal) so i was really nervous to go with no one by my side.Its been a year and a half since i went their and i still haven't spoken to any of the people in the unit, its really weird its like im invisible to them and i feel like i did that to myself, i have genuinely no idea how to make friends so I've just been distancing myself from them.
i feel like if i join in or make myself known its gonna end up in me being ridiculed for it.the thing is i really want a group of friends but feel like im below everyone and they are just gonna end up bulling me.
anyway that's the end of my vent I'm not very good at grammar and punctuation so if anything didn't make sense or needs clarifying plz ask i don't mind