school is the worse and i hate it so much

TW (bullying,abuse)

I'm in my last year in secondary school i hate it. I've always hated school ever since nursery (my mam would have to drag me into the school and id scream and cry) around the middle of year 6 i stopped going in, i literally couldn't get in. the kids were really nasty to me  and the teachers were as well, it was so loud there were like 30 kids in class and zero control over class so they would literally be shouting through the class and i couldn't learn anything so i fell really behind.

when i moved to secondary school things got ALOT worse, as my mam put it i 'never settled' into that cesspool of a school.i never went it was to stressful, i was bullied, isolated and struggled to keep up in every lesson i was in.when i didn't go in it was hell my 'family' would come over to my house to shout at me for hours on end, its hard to remember properly what they were going on about but they mostly just blamed my laptop for me not going in, tell me how im faking my mental illness, about how im ruining my mams life and shes gonna get arrested if i don't go to school and that im the black sheep of the family and made myself that way by not going to school.But one day it was really bad and my grandma physically dragged me out of my house and threw me out, it doesn't sound that bad but was really painful and i was left with a lot of bruising and a cut of her ring (which i was accused by my family of faking and was gas lighted into believing i did it to myself), not to mention how scary that was.After that i got all the blame for my counsellor telling the police about it, i remember one of them saying "shes crying her eyes out right now because of you".

fast forward to year 10, i loved year 10 i had a home tutor for about half of the year and she was amazing,She would happily talk to me the whole time instead of making me to work, and when i did do work she let choose what i wanted to do.eventually she referred me to a unit for kids with poor attendance due to mental illness.i struggled a lot a first with the unit, my entire life I've had one friend by my side to be my voice and speak for me (im spent most my life semi-vocal when i went to the unit i was non-vocal) so i was really nervous to go with no one by my side.Its been a year and a half since i went their and i still haven't spoken to any of the people in the unit, its really weird its like im invisible to them and i feel like i did that to myself, i have genuinely no idea how to make friends so I've just been distancing myself from them.

i feel like if i join in or make myself known its gonna end up in me being ridiculed for it.the thing is i really want a group of friends but feel like im below everyone and they are just gonna end up bulling me.

anyway that's the end of my vent I'm not very good at grammar and punctuation so if anything didn't make sense or needs clarifying plz ask i don't mind

 

  • They have. They shouldn't be. It's sad.

  • I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Most of us have been through bullying at school, but it sounds like yours is worse than most. Sounds quite horrific in fact.

    Where I feel most sorry for you is that your family don't seem to get it at all and aren't helping. I do understand their frustration about you not going to school but it doesn't sound like they understand the barriers for you or are fighting your corner much with the school to get what you need.

    Bless you, if you lived next door, I'd tutor you myself. You're clearly bright. Ok, so the punctuation could use some work, but you express yourself well and what you say is well thought through.

    It sounds to me as though you really need an advocate who can work with you directly to get you the support and education you need rather than work through your family, who just seem to think you should shift your bum and go. I'm wondering whether, to be fair, anyone ever sat down with them to explain how your autism could affect you; tried to open their eyes a bit on your behalf. 

    But I'd have no magic suggestions, sadly. I hope one of our forum moderators can chime in with something useful for you. 

    But remember this, you are on the cusp of adulthood. You've lost time in your education and social development through lack of understanding around you, but with in a few years you can take control and start to insist on what you need to succeed on your own terms. What gives me most hope for you is that you are recognising the problems for yourself and reaching out for answers. Clever girl! You have a mind that wants better than you've got. I hope you get it.

  • Awh I'm sorry you're feeling this way. School can be hard it wasn't that long ago for me but I remember it well the anxiety was horrible. If you want to join in then maybe you could look at going to an after school club? Do you have any interests which you could do in a club? Clubs are smaller environments and hopefully will be less pressure for you.

  • I made an effort in school; however, on reflection, I grew up self-loathing because I didn't utilise my skills.

    We need more individuals in this world. School is all about conformity. Plus, it's all about repetition and memorising. Not all children learn that way. Plus, the bullies govern the playground.

    As far as I'm concerned, schools have become warzones.

  • the only consolation I can offer is that if you play your cards right things in uni could be a lot better. Have you thought about uni?