Fear and pain

Recently I feel like I should kill myself every day, but I have no plans to do so. I have been in pain for so long and I feel worse now. I have suffered from kidney stones for the past 15+ years and mostly it hurts my back and my legs from shifting my weight, but last month I had surgery to remove them and since then I have had this pain in my left kidney that feels like someone is cutting into me with a scalpel. Doctors tell me it was from complications with the stents that were removed 2 and a half weeks ago and I still feel bad.

I feel like such a failure too. I got a master's this year, but I don't even know if I want to work in that field and I can't get a job anyway. Just get turned down constantly and it makes me feel like the stupidest person in the world. It's been so long since I had a decent job and I've done everything I can to get one and I still can't do it.  I know I'm scared also from past experiences when I worked in the same area and always hide what I was from others and myself. I know I can't do that anymore and I feel ashamed of what I am and what I have done.  I always felt ashamed of myself and my family and I am tired of feeling that way about myself.

I always suppressed myself and hide what I was and denied to myself even after my diagnosis 7 years ago.  I also find my experiences to be different from most autistic people maybe because I grew up in a time with no understanding of it, but I think it is more to do with me always feeling like I was alone and no one wanted me and it feels like that is reinforced time and time again by the constant rejection in all areas of my life. I have nothing and feel there will always be nothing for me and nobody in my life.

I am in my mid 40s, time is running out and I think I'll always be a nobody and alone. Plus I can't even imagine living without pain anymore and not sure I can go through with it.