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Struggling with change

Ann :)

Hi, 

I am struggling to cope with change at the moment and feel utterly burnt out and unable to cope. I have had a difficult year- moved abroad, issues with studying/work (I wanted to do a PhD but it all went very wrong) but I then did all I could to get myself out of that situation and back somewhere where I felt more settled in the past: Alongside work I applied for jobs, ended up with a few offers and decided to move back to the city where I had studied and where I feel at home. This all happened very fast in under 2 months. I worked until last minute, spent 5 days packing, 2 days travelling, then some time in temporary accommodation and now finally moved into my more permanent flat (6 months) however it has been a disaster (filthy, issues with hot water etc etc.). I am really struggling- I already struggled with the move- I think I hadn't expected it so hard as I thought it would be easier moving back to a familiar place but everything feels different and I feel much less able to cope- I was on verge of panick attack at the crowds of people on street (which I used to cope with). I thought once I moved to my permanent flat I could settle but given the cleanliness issue and the chaos it has been even harder- I feel completely out of control in this dirty and chaotic environment- I have been doing my best to clean and organise but it taking so so long and I am worn out. I am having massive anxiety about everything and very paranoid (eg. about bike being stolen as there is no good storage... to the point of me waking up every 30 min at night to check on it etc.). I also lost weight again as I generally struggle with digestion and eating- my whole rhythm has been utterly disrupted too so my meals are at weird times which doesn't help. But I also have issues with binging which has also started becoming a problem again now that I feel so utterly stressed out. I am meant to start working in a day and I have no idea how I will cope: I have had no time to prepare (the work aspect itself) and also emotionally and mentally I am not in a fit state for any more change or for meeting many new people. To make it more complicated, my new work colleagures want to do their best  to welcome me and have organised and after work welcome event in a pub on the first day- This is giving me extreme anxiety as I feel like I will not be able to cope but it is such a kind gesture and I can't not show up to my own welcome event? My work doesn't know about me being autistic as I am not officially diagnosed yet (I am having final part of assessment in 2 weeks), so of course they have no idea that their well meant welcome event is making matters even more complicated. I also haven't been sleeping (no more than 3 hours a night) for weeks now due to the whole stress of applications, then organising the move etc. At this point I have no idea how I will cope and how to go about things. I made a to do list with all the things I need to do but it's endless. I need to rest and relax but feel unable to do so because of the state of my flat. However I am so wound up that organising things is also taking forever as simple decisions like what to put into which cupboard are beyond me at this point so it means I am slow. and my capacity for dealing with dirt is becoming more than saturated. I am so sorry for moaning so much. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I feel on the verge of a panick attack all the time. I don't know, maybe I will settle and in a few weeks I will feel differently but right now I think I am in a state of burnout- I was meant to meet a friend yesterday and another one today but I have cancelled everything as even a 1 to 1 meeting with a person I know feels like too much. I feel like a failure. I worked so hard to make the move back to the UK happen but now that it is happening I am struggling worse than ever. 

  • Oh my! That is such a lot of change in such a short space of time that anyone would struggle.

    Autistic people do find it much harder to cope with change. We also need much longer to mentally process the change and adapt to it. I am talking in terms of weeks or months. 

    Please do not feel like a failure. You have done so well to get to the point you have. Any one of those major life changes would have probably sent me into complete shutdown.

    I think you are right to cancel everything that you can at the moment. For autistic burnout a period of quiet withdrawal from the world can help. However you have so much going on that total withdrawal seems impossible to achieve currently.

    Maybe try and focus solely on one thing at a time. The new job is obviously the thing that is most pressing and urgent. Whilst you may not feel comfortable disclosing your autism before your diagnosis could you maybe disclose your anxiety? Most people can understand that, especially when starting a new job. Is there any way you can get the after work social event postponed or cancelled? 

    It is a very difficult situation. Your lack of sleep, elevated anxiety and digestive problems mean that you will struggle to perform at your best at work. It sounds like you are very close to breaking point and that is not a good position when you are wanting to make a good first impression in a new job. Could you possibly even try to delay the start date for your new job, perhaps citing the issues with your new flat? 

    The other option is to sign yourself off sick for the first week while you try to discuss how stressed you are with a GP. Not an ideal way to begin a new job but your own health and wellbeing has to come first.