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I don't know how to find a sense of self/identity

NAS81050

The only time I really felt like I knew who I was was when I was really little. In middle school I developed an eating disorder and ever since then (I'm 22 now), my life has mostly been filled with health issues and depression. I've been in a few relationships and I always find myself so happy when I'm dating someone. I don't take on all of their hobbies but I just feel more excited about life and open to trying new things. But by myself I just feel dull. Like I don't know what I enjoy. My only "hobby" is walking outside. I like researching things and watching videos but I wouldn't call that a hobby, and it doesn't add to my identity. I have values but those are applicable in relationships more-so than when I'm alone.

Am I supposed to be 100% content with my own company? Is it unhealthy to rely on friendships? Isn't human connection necessary for happiness? Is it such a bad thing that I don't know who I am when I'm completely isolated? How do I discover who I really am...I have tried everything, it feels like. I'm in therapy. I try new things. But doing things alone just doesn't give me that much joy. I feel immensely better just sitting with someone and talking rather than doing any activity on my own.

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  • And all of the above is ok.

    I am pretty happy in my own company, but no one wants to live in complete isolation and I don't either. And we all need people we can rely on in life, and for whom we are that friend relied upon in tough times. Trying new things is good, but we don't need to do it a second time if we didn't like it and it is perfectly ok to prefer to sit and chat. Researching stuff certainly can be a hobby (don't get me started on family history, I'll bore the world to death), as can walking and it's good for you. Have you a local hiking club?

    Our identities are not something we need to forge, but come up from within. We just are. We don't necessarily have to label it, though we can if we like. And we all have facets of our being, things we didn't know we were capable of, until life pushed us there. Identity is always a journey of discovery about ourselves and others.

    Where identity issues can become unhealthy is when either other people want us to be something we are not, or we feel we have to be other than we are in order to please others or fit in and by dint of being autistic, most of us have run into that one many times. The key is don't do what makes you uncomfortable.

    I'm sorry you've had eating disorders. That must be awful. Don't feel you have to answer; asked for reflection...but was that partly to do with needing to fit in too? 

    In the end we should do the things we like, alone and/or with people we like doing them with, however simple or adventurous they may be. If that's not making us happy, then it's not 'us'.

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  • And all of the above is ok.

    I am pretty happy in my own company, but no one wants to live in complete isolation and I don't either. And we all need people we can rely on in life, and for whom we are that friend relied upon in tough times. Trying new things is good, but we don't need to do it a second time if we didn't like it and it is perfectly ok to prefer to sit and chat. Researching stuff certainly can be a hobby (don't get me started on family history, I'll bore the world to death), as can walking and it's good for you. Have you a local hiking club?

    Our identities are not something we need to forge, but come up from within. We just are. We don't necessarily have to label it, though we can if we like. And we all have facets of our being, things we didn't know we were capable of, until life pushed us there. Identity is always a journey of discovery about ourselves and others.

    Where identity issues can become unhealthy is when either other people want us to be something we are not, or we feel we have to be other than we are in order to please others or fit in and by dint of being autistic, most of us have run into that one many times. The key is don't do what makes you uncomfortable.

    I'm sorry you've had eating disorders. That must be awful. Don't feel you have to answer; asked for reflection...but was that partly to do with needing to fit in too? 

    In the end we should do the things we like, alone and/or with people we like doing them with, however simple or adventurous they may be. If that's not making us happy, then it's not 'us'.

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