Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had my job for 16 years. I'm 51 now and a couple of years ago I realized there was more going on that depression (which I'm treated for) and discovered ASD may be at work too. I'm untested, and my Doctors practice in London is overworked and couldn't give a *** (everyone a bit autistic, deal with it kind of vibe). I've had severe meltdowns which led to suicide before, but I've always been able to work, sometimes even better and more focused, and my boss know this. Last Year I decided to be upfront with him about suspected ASD which I realise now was a huge mistake. I was on a management course, which I enjoyed. Once completed, he sent me some CVs and said he was now recruiting a manager externally. he's also encourage me to have an assistant to cover my days off, who now know more about what's going on in the department than I do. He can take the assistant to the pub and have lunches and to work events, which is something I was never good at, and seem to be his priorities. He puts the assistant on projects I don't know about, and introduces him to senior management when I'm not around.
My work has been consistent, and I like my assistant a lot and we had a good working relationship. but at the moment it's pretty obvious that my boss thinks I'm too made to too a job I've worked for 16 years, and want someone like himself to run the department. I suggested I could take a role on the training team as I'm a good training and enjoy getting my hands dirty. He suggested I take a back seat and do junior work while my assistant does my job. That's how much I matter.
I feel like I need to work. I need the structure and I'm good at it. I've trained many people, including my assistant, other supervisors, and I'm sure I'll have t train the new manager too. I trusted my boss as he know I had issues and I never let him down. I feel like he's taken the opportunity to exclude me from everything on he ground that I'm "a bit crazy", and don't drink enough. I've been told to not to recruit people my age too. I'm being shut out and it's starting to trigger me. I left the office after 30 minutes on Friday as I needed to run. Just run and get away. But I have no where to go. No friends, no family, nothing. When I feel like this I don't understand what I'm doing here. I've got at least 25 years left on this planet to be treated like *** over and over again. But I have to be good and go on about how lucky I am and "enjoy everything" and be a good pretend person, so people can take advantage of me even though I'm trying so hard. It just feel so hard when it's clear I'm not wanted here. I hate it here. I'm trying so hard and it's never enough. I feel like I'm just alive to spite everyone. But no one gives a ***. It this what I'm supposed to do? It feels really ******* hard right now. I though telling people would help, I though identifying myself would help. I have never felt more worthless. Sorry for triggering people, but it's times like this when I just wish I wasn't here. I don' want to hurt myself, I just don't want to be here. I've been here so long already and I'm so tired.
Hi, I'm 50 so can relate somewhat, you have several things happening at once and its not great for you - autistic people tend to be work-focussed, getting on with a job and bosses/employers can appreciate thiat, certainly in the past, but less so today. You are also describing difference in ego level, and that is difficult. I had a meeting once with my department head, plus IT head, to discuss software requirements that would make a difference, but what happened is the IT boss listened to our request, decided we were wrong, focussed on his own idea and mocked my home-brew software that we wanted done professionally plus more, egos can build up and they can also knock down.
Look at it this way though, your skills and experience have got you a long way, and can't be taken away, you might be more beneficial to another employer, or perhaps self-employment might be more appropriate. Many autistic people don't reach 50 and you know some reasons why, its challenging but letting go of expectations and demands that are unrealistic or not helpful to us is better than wanting the world to change. You've been a robot on the merry-go-round for a long time, and its caught up with you, stepping off makes more sense than struggling on. Some people call that a breakdown, but more likely autism burnout - gradually managing less and less well, more aware of our of struggles, less energy, less focus, chaotic thinking, withdrawing, bad
Tough being 50+ even without autism, pays to be realistic, ways forward that suit you.
Autimator said:You've been a robot on the merry-go-round for a long time, and its caught up with you, stepping off makes more sense than struggling on. Some people call that a breakdown, but more likely autism burnout - gradually managing less and less well, more aware of our of struggles, less energy, less focus, chaotic thinking, withdrawing
Nicely put Autimator. That's me....from the A to the S to the D, to a T.
Like Allfunktup - I thought identifying myself would be a good thing, but that was horrendously naive.
I've been circumspect about whom I've told (about my revelatory discovery about myself,) but have just been politely "distanced" in all but a very few instances. Thankfully, I have always been extremely self reliant, so just discovering my truth (from a place of profound fear, darkness and ignorance about myself) is currently sustaining my sanity. It is still a massive relief just to know......but that relief is waning as the realities of my hard wiring start to dawn on me.
I'm now just searching for my tribe.....sounds like Allfunktup, Autimator and myself are one and the same to some extent - with a combined life experience of 150 years!
Surely, with that level of experience and demonstrable ability to reach our grand-old ages, we will all prevail for another 25+ years each. Like Allfunktup, I do think I'm going to need more than just self-reliance at this point, because as stated;
Allfunktup said:I've been here so long already and I'm so tired.
I need a new community of understanding.
I do hope we can all find that here!
Thanks for sharing.
Self-reliance is a great, but it can mean being isolated and dealing with too much, not sharing, not seeking support, or getting feedback or different ideas on how to manage better.
I'm happy to chat anytime about autistic stuff, particular elder autistic things that are less discussed.
Thank you - I will take you up on that.
There really does seem to be a dearth of chat about elder "got this far (without knowing), burnt out (almost certainly), now what (scared as hell)" autistic things.
I'll maybe ping you a private connection request because I am not comfortable revealing myself too much at this point in my journey. My underlying skin has never been exposed to the light due to multiple layers of really well-fitting masks that are all now rapidly falling away. It is frightening - but also quite exciting.
I'm trying to hold on to the latter feeling and I'm trying not to let my carefully curated NT life explode completely, I just want to evolve it so that I can retain some things that are REALLY worth saving and calmly ditch the things that aren't.
Thanks for responding - I really appreciate it.