I can't sleep because of a bad dream I had, not because it was scary but because it was about my old friend (call him Tim).
Tim was my best friend for a long time, but has always been weird, I mean he never felt like I liked him
So one day Tim completely ghosted me, meaning he deleted his Twitter, blocked me on discord and was ignoring my calls and texts, I was having a panic attack all day.
That night he called me back, said he did it because when we were talking that morning, he felt that I was annoyed with him, and that I didn't like him, so we talked about it, and it started to feel pretty normal again after a few week's...that all happened on March 1st
So fast forward a few weeks (March 30th), I have a very busy day, at a funeral (dw I didn't know them), I told him the day before I might not be able to talk at all.
Tim messaged me in the morning and few times through the day but I didn't respond, but I still logged on to Twitter and was a little active, only during breakfast, the ride to the place and during a break in the events.
When I got home I respond only to find out he did it to me again, I again was having a panic attack, and again he called me that night, he said he thought I was ignoring him because I was still on Twitter that day, which I kinda was, but just because I need a brake.
You see what I forgot to mention is that we called each other every day, and talked for hours, and we played games and watched shows, I loved it but it was taking up way to much time, I didn't have time for anything else.
So yeah I ignored him for a day, but i still love talking to him, we then came to a understanding, after talking it out, although I knew it was a bad idea since this was the second time.
And then 2 days later, April 1st, I brake up with my boyfriend (after about 2 months), it was pretty thorough but I just didn't feel a connection with him, and Tim was the one that convinced me to do it, he said that when I talk to him about how I'm not happy with my boyfriend it gives anxiety, and he can't sleep.
Effectively what Tim said is I either need to break up with my boyfriend, or he can't talk to me anymore, of course since I already wanted to break up with my boyfriend I chose that, after the breakup I called Tim crying, he was pretty comforting.
Over the next few days I start messaging my boyfriend, now my ex, again, we decided that we we would remain friends, of course I couldn't tell my Tim.
Then at some point over the next few days, I can't remember when or how, I told him, I told him because I wanted to be honest with him.
Well on April 6th I was talking with Tim, but I could tell he wasn't feeling okay, it was in his voice. I asked him, then he confessed that it's not and that he doesn't like the fact I'm talking to my ex, he tells me how he loves me, and that if he can't have me he doesn't want me in his life.
(Bty this is purely a long distance friendship and he already has a in-person boyfriend)
Tim said he is going to block me again, at this point this is the third time, so I knew that this wasn't going to work, so we said goodbye, and I cried myself to sleep.
Well on April 8th I texted Tim, we had a brief conversation, and this was truly our final goodbye, this pain was the worst I've ever felt, twice as bad as the breakup which was it still a week ago.
For a long time I was not capable of being happy, and since I had no other friends, only my ex I started talking to him more, going to be honest I didn't completely enjoy it, but it was another human to talk to about my feelings, and the only one I actually had, even though it is so awkward to talk about.
Anyway months go by, and the morning of July 6th, exactly 3 months after, although I didn't realize at the time, I'm on a camping trip, I start thinking about Tim again, just missing having that friend I can talk to, I was crying again.
And that brings us to right now, August 8th, I'm not able to sleep because I had a bad dream involving my Tim, I really miss him and I want to talk to him again. I almost feel inclined to message him, even though I know it's such a bad idea.