A few years ago I wrote a blog post in which I wrote a letter to my Anorexia and I thought I might share it here. I am still in recovery from Anorexia after a recent relapse and I am trying to navigate my way through this with a recent Asperger's diagnosis. I am hoping that by learning to understand myself, my needs, and my struggles through exploration of my Asperger's, I might be able to achieve full recovery from my eating disorder. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? How are you doing? How are navigating life? You are not alone xx
Dear Anorexia,
You took everything from me. I was lost, lonely, entirely secluded. Trapped within my own mind. Your force blinded me and imprisoned my personality. I couldn’t think, I was numb, my head consumed by food. Ironic really since you wouldn’t allow me to fuel my body with it. Still somehow you made this appealing to me. You provided me with a focus, an escape from my mind, temporary freedom from my own overthinking. Yielding little time for worry, stress, and anxiety; I could fall to you for comfort and safety.
The rules and instructions are clear and you never fail to reward me for accomplishing your goals. The feelings of satisfaction, success, and achievement you provide each time I fulfill a demand, calm and reassure me. Being a perfectionist I was determined to precisely follow your rules and exceed your expectations. You took it so far, you were never satisfied and you made yourself visible to the world. Did you really think destroying my mind and body could go unnoticed?
The physical damage you caused was extensive. The strength and muscle I built dedicating my life to the sport that I love, you destroyed. I was freezing, my skin a dull green, cheeks hollow, and hair falling out in chunks. No longer a young women, more like a malnourished child on her death bed. My normal biological functions ceased and even sitting was painful. You wanted me to disappear didn’t you? Drown within my own clothes. I was so tired but you simply wouldn’t let me rest. You made me irritable and unpredictable, characteristics I never previously possessed. Any interruption that required my focus threatened you. You utterly deceived me, tricked me into thinking I was in control when I was powerless.
My success at university was near impossible with you by my side. How draining and stressful it was to dedicate every waking hour to just keeping up appearances. I missed so many opportunities, blocked almost everyone out. You ensured I had no time for anyone or anything and I can never get that back. Those were supposed to be the most important and enjoyable years of my life but you made them unbearable. How I stumbled through those exams, I do not know. You thrived on my fear of failure, setting me daily challenges to complete. The obsession with numbers consumed me, the smaller the figure the better, or so you taught me.
When I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw and didn’t recognise myself at all. How could I feel one thing but see another. I was so confused. I didn’t want to be skinny, didn’t want to lose weight and I certainly love food. So why couldn’t I eat? Why were you stopping me? I couldn’t answer or reassure those around me because I was terrified and was far from understanding it myself. The fear of knowing exactly what is happening to your body, feeling yourself slip further and further away, yet not be able to stop it, is ineffable.
Thankfully, with the immense support and encouragement from my family and close friends, I spoke up. Despite the huge shame and guilt I felt, I gathered the courage and sought help. I couldn’t put my loved ones through this any longer, it wasn’t fair. I wasn’t living, I was scarcely even surviving. Anorexia, you will not win! I will fight you everyday as I take back control of my life.
I cannot stress enough the importance of talking about mental health, speaking out and accepting professional help saved my life. It is essential that we spread awareness and help to educate those around us. Reducing this false, misinformed stigma surrounding mental health may encourage more individuals to speak up. Recognition, acknowledgment, and compassion has the potential to save so many lives.
