Feeling Overwhelmed
Got diagnosed as Autistic with ADHD 4 days ago and despite having many questions about how they both work together I think I already know because of how I go through life. The diagnosis brought a lot of sense of relief to me and i’ve been on the verge of tears about 6 times this week (don’t usually cry, actually orher people crying makes me uncomfortable and almost angry). I finally felt like it was okay to be me and things made sense and I discovered a world of Autistics on youtube and had all these videos with people I really felt connected to (whereas before I was diagnosed it felt wrong to feel connected to a group of people you may not actually be apart of). I started forgiving myself for saying silly things when I was a kid or for being weird and things like that. When wanting to talk about it to my partner I was kind of told that they’ve lived eith me for years, nothing is different, they know what I’m like or something to that affect. It almost made me feel devalued, and like this clarity i’d just had after 30 years wasn’t worth anything or like it had no substance. I was told I’m thinking about it too much, and then later reminded that I was a parent and that I needed to step up, and that I need to listen, I’ve been told about this or that before and I’m not listening and that I need to be more of an adult and do more. Felt weird to feel like my partner (who has just taken an autism course and knows a lot about it as both of our kids have ASD) was completely ignoring how my brain works or who I am or what I’m capable of and it seemed liked I was supposed to go to parent mode and just do better and be better, after saying many times the last few days rhat I haven’t heard something or i’ve heard it wrong, i’ve still been snapped at for making mistakes. Diagnosed on thursday, friday I went to work, my kids sports day and I felt proud of myself, interacted with partner’s mum for hours, took her home and on the way back to my car some teens shouted “*** ISIS, *** ISIS” I didn’t think they were talking to me because I’m not foreign, not remotely middle eastern, then heard “*** you ***” as they laughed and ran away, i know it was just teens pissing about but it really hurt because the day before I felt like i’d found my place and that the world was making sense and that I could feel comfortable and safe and then it was like it was gone again, I did have a bit of racism when I was a kid but hadn’t for years so it felt like I’d just gone back in time. Today i was up for work at 5am my headsets didnt sork, the shop wifi stopped working and my deliverg didnt load on the system and i wa sin a rush to finish early because i had to take my daugnter for a vaccine. Finished work and got barked our at home quite abruptly over a number of silly things and that upset me, went to the vaccine place obviously was stressed driving not knowing where I was going, picked up her mum afterwards, drove to mcdonalds, all of those things stress me, got back more barking and rushing around, drove to shops to pick some things up and was becoming overwhelmed and just wanted to walk away quickly and keep moving and pick up a few things i know we came in for so we could leave quicker but got told i couldnt leave my partner cus she didnt want to be by herself, so felt like i was gonna explode from anxiety, got to her sisters and gor told i have to setup a printer after 40 minutes of it not cooperating i was shaking and was close to screaming, when it finally did work i sat down and got told im now helping sort a car seat out, then went toilet and tbrough the door i hear are you gonna start dinner, i am feeling like my partner is not registering how stressed all of thses little things make me
