Depression is not always sadness

Perhaps medication is worth looking into. Some people find it helps. I came off my anti-anxiety meds as the side effects were becoming unendurable - but many others don't get those same side-effects, so it's worth a punt and a GP should listen sympathetically to your situation. Your 'what is X happens'  reminds me f something that I struggle with most with anxiety.

There's so much out there in CBT land, and even in the helpful mindfulness teachings of Eckharte Tolle etc., that advises a rationale of 'whatever unfolds is likely to be less bad that your worst imaginings, and even if it were you'd find a way to cope'. But that leaves a huge un-adressed area: what about the awful things in life that have already happened,  their horrific unfixability or improbability of making amends for, building bridges to if not resolve, mitigate the unrelenting awfulness? You can't approach those with the same mindset apllicable to 'what if X' as it's about the sheer horror of 'what can't be cured must be endured' which I feel incredibly poorly equipped for even on a good day. I suppose 'what if X' could be 'What if things remain so broken and hurtful?' and if the answer is a near-inevitable 'they will, so suck it up' then for me the anxiety and despair is even more heightened. A suffering that one can distract from but is always at one's core, eating away at you. 

Anyway, that's a bit of a side-bar - hopefully someone will say something more upbeat before long. 

Perhaps medication is worth looking into. Some people find it helps. I came off my anti-anxiety meds as the side effects were becoming unendurable - but many others don't get those same side-effects, so it's worth a punt and a GP should listen sympathetically to your situation. Your 'what is X happens'  reminds me f something that I struggle with most with anxiety.

There's so much out there in CBT land, and even in the helpful mindfulness teachings of Eckharte Tolle etc., that advises a rationale of 'whatever unfolds is likely to be less bad that your worst imaginings, and even if it were you'd find a way to cope'. But that leaves a huge un-adressed area: what about the awful things in life that have already happened,  their horrific unfixability or improbability of making amends for, building bridges to if not resolve, mitigate the unrelenting awfulness? You can't approach those with the same mindset apllicable to 'what if X' as it's about the sheer horror of 'what can't be cured must be endured' which I feel incredibly poorly equipped for even on a good day. I suppose 'what if X' could be 'What if things remain so broken and hurtful?' and if the answer is a near-inevitable 'they will, so suck it up' then for me the anxiety and despair is even more heightened. A suffering that one can distract from but is always at one's core, eating away at you. 

Anyway, that's a bit of a side-bar - hopefully someone will say something more upbeat before long.