Hello all. I am an 18 year old male going through some kind of existential dread and grief. It's gotten to the point where I'm at the verge of throwing the life that I do have away because I seemingly get more and more convinced that I do not get to have a good life that ever feels fulfilling to me. That may make me very hard to please, and you're probably not wrong, but trust me, I believe I have a good reason for the self-hatred.
Around three years ago now, I started going to therapy because I was in similar circumstances. I lost a grandparent for the first time, this girl I was talking to was manipulating me, I felt extremely lonely and was in isolation most of the time. My grades were going well, but based on my poor decision-making, I ended up in special ed for a reason even I didn't completely understand. All I thought of back then was shutting myself down from the noise because I couldn't concentrate well while others were screaming into my ears. I did like being in special ed for a while because it was quiet and everything is pointed out crystal clear for people that were on the spectrum for example. While school was going well however, I made another decision I regret. When you get into your second to third year of my school, it is about time you start getting your work experience in. I did this later, but I believe if I changed this decision, I would've felt comfortable enough to get a normal job.
The levels for internship and work in my country are as follows from C to A:
C: Daytime Activity, this option is a requirement for people that cannot run well in a regular work environment. These people could range from disorders with Down Syndrome, ADHD, PTSD, Depression and variants of ASD. There is also usually somebody involved to help you out with your work, to settle things or just to help you at your own pace, on your accord. While it is possible for somebody in this level to get to labor intensive work, the probability and likelihood of them succeeding ain't that high.
B: Sheltered Work Environment, this option is for those who are ready to get their hands dirty but not for intensive work. As you might've guessed, it is difficult for them to get fired from those kinds of jobs because of the amount of support you're getting. Aside from Daytime Activity where you could get payment for your disabilities sake, this is a little more serious than that, where you get minimum wage in exchange depending on how good your work is, provided that you that your hand still gets held all the same for it.
A: Regular Labor, where all of you probably are. You get paid, no hands get held and you're expected to fix all of the issues you're facing while working yourself. If you can't do something right while working there even for a second time, you get fired and have to find another job.
There's also extras like volunteering, which is probably ranged right in-between Sheltered and Labor, but I'd imagine the responsibility is still on you. I don't know much about volunteering.
The reason I'm telling you all of this is because while I didn't have a recognized disability of any kind, when I was 15, I chose Daytime Activity. I can't remember what my reasons were exactly, but let's just say I wanted the easiest job right?
Which has it's ups and downs for sure but because of my ignorance and bliss I have been working in Daytime Activity ever since with a lot of help and support. Which I thought was "the norm," back then and there is a part of me that still does.
For those asking, yes, I have taken a regular job before and it didn't go as well as I had hoped for. I do not see that as failure, but more as a crucial element for finding work and learning HOW to work. Which I should probably just know by now. However, going back to what I was saying, when I first walked into my first ever internship that I chose for, I was surprised to see the amount of disabled individuals I was working with. It gave me a funny feeling that maybe I really shouldn't be here, let alone work alongside them. My first day was stressful but I managed and I couldn't say it was hard work whatsoever. Most things were very simple and it all made sense, in the most literal way I could describe. There was nothing that was truly hard about what I was doing, and everyday kind of felt the same as yesterday. What's also very funny is that because I felt so "on edge," I think I delivered more than what was asked of me and someone was even reminding me that this was Daytime Activity, not labor! I also remember not figuring out what they meant with that until today. And how willing, yet determined I was to just do what I was told. It's fascinating really, while at the same time reminding me of how blissfully unaware I was at the time.
Cutting toward today, I'm still registered in Daytime Activity, working for that very same company but in a different location. The work is different, harder, and the truth is this time it's not all that different from an actual job, the only real difference are the people and the help provided. However me working here makes me extremely depressed, which proves their point of me being there. Me "deserving" to be there, while I don't believe I need the help.
I keep remembering the pressure I had when I started and maybe labor was exactly what I needed back then to succeed! However this decision I made was so indecisive, so stupid that now I am stuck here. Now I am terrified if I take a regular job and fail because I naturally expect me to be helped like a baby. I don't blame myself for feeling this way, I blame myself for not knowing what exactly I was signing up for. And because of it now, nobody knows if I'll ever survive in a regular job because of my background. Whenever I look for job options, I'm terrified of failing and more afraid of literally running away from it. It could actually happen! And that is something I might have to live with for the rest of my life.
There was a time where I tried to fight over this, and that was when I took my first regular job at a cafe. Way too hard to start off with surely, but it was at least a step forward and even though I felt terrified the whole time I was there, I didn't run away from it. I tried fair and square, but it wasn't good enough to succeed unfortunately. COVID was also on the rise, so that made it more reasonable to have me fired while two days later, I was told by a colleague that the boss didn't see me as "part of the team" and that she most definitely used COVID as an excuse to have me fired from there.
Of course I felt bad about myself.. I didn't know what to do for a while! I tried calming myself down with this being my first official job but coming from Daytime Activity, who the *** would hire me huh?! All they can see is the inabilities that I have and the things that I do well all of a sudden was thrown out of the window. I didn't think I did that bad, but I know it was probably not any good. I haven't taken another job since, and I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable enough to take another honestly. But my drive to get another one is so strong for me that I can't stop looking for all of the options. I know I'm good for someone, for something, I just have no idea what. But then... Something happened.
I told you in the beginning of this post that I was going to therapy and while things have changed for me, they didn't go as I had hoped for.
When I was 17 and a half, I had a rising suspicion that I most likely had depression and that I wanted to be tested for it. The most reliable option for this was taking an official IQ-test along with internal diagnosis for what could be going on inside my head. The test took two days, with a grand total of three hours worth of testing with minimal breaks. These results are official.. there's nothing I could do to fight against this underlying reality that was so surprising, yet not at the same time.. I got an appointment to go see the psychologist that tested on me. I went there, along with two others that were helping me. My IQ ranged between 68-80, and I was later diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder but a milder variant. To be frank, I expected my IQ to at least reach 80, but not much lower.. but I was petrified over the ASD. It is something I'd never thought I had before, it never even crossed my mind that I could be disabled, let alone have a milder variant (whatever that means, right?) but the diagnosis left me feeling very much discouraged in my fight against my academic life. In fact it is so bad now that I couldn't help but write this post for you all today. Knowing that I could never be of much use to everyday society, that I am horrible at maths, I am terrible at feeling positive about anything anymore. This is all I think about, how sad and pathetic I am. How stupid I am. How I dissociate into nothingness. How pissed off I am, but very kind and open-minded on the outside. Do I even matter in this world if all I'm ever known for is a fucking special needs kid?
To know I'll probably never get over myself because of this, to realize I'm a failure cognitively. I'll never be part of normal society. I'm a [removed by mod] slacker for doing something as simple as Daytime Activity, tell me, what the flying *** is my purpose?! I'm on the verge of losing it right now, any advice would be greatly appreciated. You have no idea how grateful I am to be writing this for you today. I want others to know my situation and if it helps, remember me. Remember that I probably have it a lot worse than you. At least you, the person reading this, can have a normal life. That is something I can kiss my [removed by mod] goodbye. *** this, *** my useless life. Being disabled is not a way to go for me.
Please be honest with me. Do I matter to you? And if I do, how? I'd rather die than be abnormal man..
