Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't much like the term 'perfectionist' because it sounds like I think I'm perfect. (I don't.)
I have been in my job for about 2 months now and apparently everyone is impressed. They are training me up to do much more than I am 'supposed' to be doing.
I think they like me because I learn fast, I work hard and I have good attention to detail. Since I was a teenager I have felt like being a high achiever is my unique selling point and I pressure myself to keep it up at all times to make up for my lack of other skills (mainly 'people skills'). I've realised that I can't take it when I make mistakes or have an accident. Which has happened a couple of times in the past week at work. I feel an irrational level of guilt and shame and I break down crying as soon as I'm alone for lunch.
It is not that different from my uni experience where I was often so disgusted with myself for doing a bad job on a piece of work, that I couldn't bring myself to read the feedback and learn from it.
I'm starting to realise that anxiety about getting stuff wrong holds me back in a lot of areas of life.
How can you keep high standards without hating yourself when you mess up?
(It would be nice if I never messed up ever again, but I am human so I definitely will.)
I know the story; all too well.
Whenever someone else did better than me, at an exam, I was jealous. In the end, I didn't get the outcome I wanted from life. However, I now realise that it wasn't meant to be for me.
I don't know what jealousy feels like. Feeling unworthy yes but jealously. What do them feelings feel like? Maybe my anger is that. I don't know my own feelings at the time. In my diagnosis they said I should learn about my own emotions. ...I don't even know where to start.