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How to make friends when I have extreme social anxiety?

NAS78242

I'll try to explain this as best as possible.

I have grown up with no friends, every time I tried to make a friend it would end up with me getting bullied or just isolated. My college tutor told me that she is going to pair me up with someone for a project so I have another chance at making friends. 

She paired me up with a boy (I'll call him Jay), and she told me that his sister has Autism, which took away my biggest worry of being bullied by him. He was very kind and patient with me while I tried to explain my idea, and even gave me ideas on parts that I hadn't decided on yet. He even offered to give me his student number so I can contact him outside of class if I had any questions. No one has ever treated me like this in person and now I would like to try and be friends with him.

The problem is that I have no idea how to act around friends, let alone people who I am not officially friends with. Are we like co-workers, or acquaintances or are we still strangers? And how do I change from acquaintance to friend? 

I see him every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, and I don't know if I should sit near him, or say hi to him or smile at him. I don't know what would be going too far or what would start being seen as creepy. I don't know if I should message him before the class asking if we could sit together, but I also don't want him thinking I am taking him away from his friends, as I know he talks to 2 people in our class sometimes. 

We have only known each other for a day so I don't want to rush and make him feel forced, but I'm also scared that I will panic about it for too long and then miss my chance of being his friend.

What should I do?

Parents

  • Hi, I didn't have any friends when I was at school. For me the key was finding the right people that I could connect to- I was lucky that I met some likeminded people at university. My few good friendships somehow just happened almost effortlessly- which is crazy considering that I had no friends at all before. I met most of my friends through a shared interest (eg. at scientific talks, at uni because we were both always late for class, at a biology olympiad etc)- can you maybe meet some more people through a shared interest? A good friend is someone you can be yourself with- however this does take time. Unfortunately friendship is not something you can directly control- in my opinion it's mostly about whether you are compatible and can connect to each other. You can't force it (or if you do, it probably will just end up being very exhausting and require tons of masking). 

    I am not very good at knowing how to act around people and at 'actively trying to make friends', so I am not sure what to advise in terms of how to act around your project partner- but I think saying hi and smiling sounds safe. You'll be seeing him a lot over the next weeks, so I think over time you'll see if you are a good fit and get along.

    Don't despair, you will find friends! You probably just haven't met or interacted with the right people- the best chance of finding these is probably through some kind of shared interest eg. joining a club for an activity you like or doing activities you like where you might meet people. 

    In terms of what is an acquaintance vs friend I'm not sure... it's a spectrum probably- I find social interactions exhausting a lot of the time- with my very close friends this is less so and I really enjoy spending time with them- I can be myself and can happily spend hours with them and still not feel exhausted. Then there are other people that I like spending time with but I wouldn't be comfortable for more than 1 hour probably. It's not that these are not nice people but I think it's about compatibility and how much I have to mask... as masking is exhausting. So for me if it feels difficult, hard or forced, a friendship is just not meant to be. 

    Not sure if any of this helps but I think what I am trying to say is that if your project partner is a good fit to be a friend with you, you can't really go wrong and you'll probably end up as friends no matter what. If it's not a good fit then yes you can probably become 'good acquaintances' and it can still be nice but it will probably require continued effort. So you can't really go wrong :) you will find your friends!! 

Reply

  • Hi, I didn't have any friends when I was at school. For me the key was finding the right people that I could connect to- I was lucky that I met some likeminded people at university. My few good friendships somehow just happened almost effortlessly- which is crazy considering that I had no friends at all before. I met most of my friends through a shared interest (eg. at scientific talks, at uni because we were both always late for class, at a biology olympiad etc)- can you maybe meet some more people through a shared interest? A good friend is someone you can be yourself with- however this does take time. Unfortunately friendship is not something you can directly control- in my opinion it's mostly about whether you are compatible and can connect to each other. You can't force it (or if you do, it probably will just end up being very exhausting and require tons of masking). 

    I am not very good at knowing how to act around people and at 'actively trying to make friends', so I am not sure what to advise in terms of how to act around your project partner- but I think saying hi and smiling sounds safe. You'll be seeing him a lot over the next weeks, so I think over time you'll see if you are a good fit and get along.

    Don't despair, you will find friends! You probably just haven't met or interacted with the right people- the best chance of finding these is probably through some kind of shared interest eg. joining a club for an activity you like or doing activities you like where you might meet people. 

    In terms of what is an acquaintance vs friend I'm not sure... it's a spectrum probably- I find social interactions exhausting a lot of the time- with my very close friends this is less so and I really enjoy spending time with them- I can be myself and can happily spend hours with them and still not feel exhausted. Then there are other people that I like spending time with but I wouldn't be comfortable for more than 1 hour probably. It's not that these are not nice people but I think it's about compatibility and how much I have to mask... as masking is exhausting. So for me if it feels difficult, hard or forced, a friendship is just not meant to be. 

    Not sure if any of this helps but I think what I am trying to say is that if your project partner is a good fit to be a friend with you, you can't really go wrong and you'll probably end up as friends no matter what. If it's not a good fit then yes you can probably become 'good acquaintances' and it can still be nice but it will probably require continued effort. So you can't really go wrong :) you will find your friends!! 

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