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How to make friends when I have extreme social anxiety?

NAS78242

I'll try to explain this as best as possible.

I have grown up with no friends, every time I tried to make a friend it would end up with me getting bullied or just isolated. My college tutor told me that she is going to pair me up with someone for a project so I have another chance at making friends. 

She paired me up with a boy (I'll call him Jay), and she told me that his sister has Autism, which took away my biggest worry of being bullied by him. He was very kind and patient with me while I tried to explain my idea, and even gave me ideas on parts that I hadn't decided on yet. He even offered to give me his student number so I can contact him outside of class if I had any questions. No one has ever treated me like this in person and now I would like to try and be friends with him.

The problem is that I have no idea how to act around friends, let alone people who I am not officially friends with. Are we like co-workers, or acquaintances or are we still strangers? And how do I change from acquaintance to friend? 

I see him every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, and I don't know if I should sit near him, or say hi to him or smile at him. I don't know what would be going too far or what would start being seen as creepy. I don't know if I should message him before the class asking if we could sit together, but I also don't want him thinking I am taking him away from his friends, as I know he talks to 2 people in our class sometimes. 

We have only known each other for a day so I don't want to rush and make him feel forced, but I'm also scared that I will panic about it for too long and then miss my chance of being his friend.

What should I do?

Parents

  • Hi,

    I have social anxiety too so completely understand how you feel. I also have problems working out at what point a friendly acquaintance can be classed a friend. I have often (I think, as I don't really know) come across as too intense or the other extreme too distant and never seem to get it right. 

    That being said, I think if you have only known him properly for a single day I would think it's a bit early to think of him as a friend. Smiling and saying 'hi would' be appropriate in the first instance when you see him and then see if he reciprocates.

    If you are going to be working on a project together then that will likely bring you into contact with him where you would have an opportunity to have a conversation (even if it's just talking about what you're doing). If not it's probably fine to contact him outside of class with questions about the project to start with as I think common interests are a good place to start with any potential friendship.

    Building any friendship takes time and it can be very easy to try and rush through the steps (I know, I've done it myself) and that can put people off. 

    From what you say, he sounds like a kind understanding person so hopefully things will progress from there. 

Reply

  • Hi,

    I have social anxiety too so completely understand how you feel. I also have problems working out at what point a friendly acquaintance can be classed a friend. I have often (I think, as I don't really know) come across as too intense or the other extreme too distant and never seem to get it right. 

    That being said, I think if you have only known him properly for a single day I would think it's a bit early to think of him as a friend. Smiling and saying 'hi would' be appropriate in the first instance when you see him and then see if he reciprocates.

    If you are going to be working on a project together then that will likely bring you into contact with him where you would have an opportunity to have a conversation (even if it's just talking about what you're doing). If not it's probably fine to contact him outside of class with questions about the project to start with as I think common interests are a good place to start with any potential friendship.

    Building any friendship takes time and it can be very easy to try and rush through the steps (I know, I've done it myself) and that can put people off. 

    From what you say, he sounds like a kind understanding person so hopefully things will progress from there. 

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