Well you know, you might feel like you're a crappy son, but it's likely that your dad probably did some crappy things too when he was a boy, and it's likely that many guys did crappy things that upset their parents too. Honor your dad for the life that he lived, and honor the things he has taught you in life. It's scary to lose a person who was there as a pillar of support and stability, as if the ground disappeared from beneath you and nothing is solid or there anymore, and many people have lost their parents and other loved ones, and they experienced a lot of grief (especially with covid19 lurking around. The loss changed the lives of many people). Any small thing you can do to gain some kind of stability would be good for you.
Maybe some government funded programs could help ease some of the financial and emotional stress that you're feeling.
