Bereavement, Guilt and Feeling Lost

I’m really sorry - that must be so painful for you. You are not alone - I am sending love to you. My husband lost his Mum last month (his Dad died many years ago). He’s really struggling too - it’s such an intense thing to go through. You are in the very earliest stages of grief - it will get easier I promise. My Mum has had dementia for eight years which also has pushed me to some very dark places.  I think it’s harder for autistic people as we tend to have very few people who we are really close to - so to lose any of that very small number of people we can love and trust is a terrible thing to experience. Do you have any siblings? Or anyone else who supports you emotionally?
Remember though that you are not alone because we all know pain and grief and everyone who reads your post will feel for you and be wishing you well. You will get through this to a time when the happy memories of your Dad are more dominant in your heart and mind than the overwhelming grief you are feeling now. Accept that it will take time - it’s only natural that you feel this way now. Please don’t feel guilty (why do you?). I’m a parent and as a parent I can say that my children mean more to me than anything and I’d hate them to be burdened by guilt. Your father would want you to be happy - not guilty. He would want to comfort you as you are suffering. Remember all the wonderful times you had with your father - in that way you keep the memory of him alive. That is what he would want. More than anything though he would want you to be ok. And you will be ok - in time. Grief is a process that we have to go through - it’s painful but how you are feeling now just shows what a special bond you shared with your Dad. Celebrate that when you feel able to - because it’s a beautiful thing that you had that, and you will always carry that with you in your memories and in your heart. 

I feel guilty because I feel my meltdowns made him worse and caused his heart to give out. 

Struggling to get a job was the cause of them and fear 

I have had the home treatment team coming to give me Meds 

No family left no siblings

Was kinda coping with eating until I had to pick up dad's ashes on Tuesday after which I shut down didn't eat for a few days 

A neighbor sent me over some food  

I gonna try and shop regularly from now on ordered a load if discounted food online so should be ok for a while

I feel guilty because I feel my meltdowns made him worse and caused his heart to give out. 

Struggling to get a job was the cause of them and fear 

I have had the home treatment team coming to give me Meds 

No family left no siblings

Was kinda coping with eating until I had to pick up dad's ashes on Tuesday after which I shut down didn't eat for a few days 

A neighbor sent me over some food  

I gonna try and shop regularly from now on ordered a load if discounted food online so should be ok for a while

Didn't let them in today

That Angers me. 

Keep in touch with us. 

Been told by home treatment team I'm getting no help with House as it's a private accommodation

I have a severely messy house I have been left to tidy on my own

I going mad doing it

No friends no family just lonely

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’m not surprised you feel the way do - it’s such a an incredibly painful thing to cope with. If it’s any comfort it’s not likely that your meltdowns would have caused his heart issues - these are often long standing physical issues that people have that are beyond anyone’s control. Please don’t blame yourself - your Dad really wouldn’t want you to do that, so for his sake be kind to yourself. You’re grieving and you need to go easy on yourself, and take care of yourself. 
It’s really good that you are eating again and shopping and planning meals - it’s not easy to do that when you feel so down, so it’s excellent that you’re re-engaging with that - and in its own way a real achievement. 
I’m sorry you don’t have family to support you - that must be really hard. Do you have a friend you can turn to for support? How lovely that your neighbour sent food over - that’s really kind of them, they must care about you to do that. 
I hope you can find some comfort in happy memories of your dad. He would want you to remember the good times you had together and the bond you had with each other. Nothing can take those memories away from you, and in that way he will always be a huge part of your life. And you are a part of him - so he lives on in that way too. Go easy on yourself and take care.