I’m a parent of adult sons with ASD and don’t know what to do??

Hi, I'm 24, probably autistic (a recent revelation- now waiting assessment) and I have been struggling with mental health for years now (I had a 1.5 year break from university. I did finish my Bachelor and Master in the end but I am currently in complete burnout and will probably have to abandon my PhD opportunity and recuperate first). My parents, especially my Mum have been trying to help and support me over the years, so I can tell you what has been helpful or unhelpful for me, though I am not sure how relatable or relevant it will be to your situation. 

Can your 23 year old son stay in touch/ get back in touch virtually with his friends from university? I made my first friends at university (not many friends but I found a few like-minded people). However for a while now, they have all moved on to other countries and cities- I am now regularly in touch with them virtually, whether this is over phone, video call or doing an online activity together such as online boardgames. I actually really like this way of socialising as I can be in my own space. It might be easier for your son to connect with his friends from uni online rather than make new friends ? (I know that for me it is super hard to find "the right people" and to work up the motivation to even put myself in a situation where I could meet people- though I am also quite isolated at present as I moved abroad and don't really have any in person friends at this point...). 

Regarding support from my parents. My Mum and I were always super close and she has tried extremely hard to help and support me. Too hard maybe even as I think it really took a toll on her own health at times and I could tell that she felt really helpless and stressed- so I hope you are making sure that you put up some boundaries and also take care of your own health (Mum and I had a period where we were pulling each other down and it caused a lot of issues and also feelings of guilt. so in my opinion, it helps noone if you end up so worn out because you are too invested in trying to help.). What really helps me is being able to talk to my mum on the phone and know that she is there to support me- it helps to not feel all alone and to have someone who listens without judgement but who honestly states their opinion (There were periods when I was phoning 'too much' , but now this is better and Mum and I have learnt to be honest about our boundaries and limits and that is good.). I know Mum cannot 'fix' my problems/struggles, however it feels good to know that she is there, supportive and is doing all she can to help me (whilst also protecting herself). 

I can also tell you what hasn't been helpful for me in terms of support from parents. My Dad has a tendency to try and provoke me / say things that he knows will really hurt and that have some truth to them (though usually he has not really grasped the full situation- I am less close to him as my parents divorced when I was young). I understand that by doing this he is trying to make me "face reality" and trying to "provoke/startle me into action". However for me this does not work: I am trying extremely hard  and do not need to be provoked into "trying harder" and I have long known and accepted all the "truths" he is trying to make me recognise. This kind of technique  creates even more self doubt, decreases my confidence, makes me feel like a failure and creates unnecessary distress. He also has a tendency to get frustrated with me which is unhelpful. 

The other unhelpful thing is when people try very hard to help but then feel like you "owe it to them to get better". My stepfather can be a great source of support and person to talk to at times. However he has a tendency to also get frustrated and take it personally when I do not improve/ get better. So he will say things like "I spent so long and so much time trying to support you at the expense of other things, but you are still not better etc." I think part of this frustration on his side arrises because he fails to put up boundaries and meaning well tries too hard to help at the expense of other things (eg. we will happily chat on the phone. then after over 30 min he will divulge that he had actually been at a dinner with friends- I wish he had just said so straight away, I would not have bothered him then)- but in his eyes the time he spends trying to help me is "an investment" so he expects "results". Though I have to say, my stepfather has been great support and his rational approach to things can be very helpful. 

Not sure if any of this is helpful. For me the best support from a parent is when they show you that they are there for you, that they care and want to support you. Putting on too much pressure is unhelpful. Honesty is extremely important for me. I like it when my mum suggests things (but without pressure- in the end it is me who has to make the decisions and move forward- people can help, guide and support, but in the end I am the one that has to do things and act). 

I hope some of this is helpful- I thought I could maybe give you a perspective from the side of the child. 

Regarding your son seeing a doctor, have you asked him if he wants to? You could also offer helping to sort out the appointment if that is what he wants. 

I am sure that you are doing a great job at helping your sons already!! Make sure you also take care of yourself whilst supporting them. 

Hi, I'm 24, probably autistic (a recent revelation- now waiting assessment) and I have been struggling with mental health for years now (I had a 1.5 year break from university. I did finish my Bachelor and Master in the end but I am currently in complete burnout and will probably have to abandon my PhD opportunity and recuperate first). My parents, especially my Mum have been trying to help and support me over the years, so I can tell you what has been helpful or unhelpful for me, though I am not sure how relatable or relevant it will be to your situation. 

Can your 23 year old son stay in touch/ get back in touch virtually with his friends from university? I made my first friends at university (not many friends but I found a few like-minded people). However for a while now, they have all moved on to other countries and cities- I am now regularly in touch with them virtually, whether this is over phone, video call or doing an online activity together such as online boardgames. I actually really like this way of socialising as I can be in my own space. It might be easier for your son to connect with his friends from uni online rather than make new friends ? (I know that for me it is super hard to find "the right people" and to work up the motivation to even put myself in a situation where I could meet people- though I am also quite isolated at present as I moved abroad and don't really have any in person friends at this point...). 

Regarding support from my parents. My Mum and I were always super close and she has tried extremely hard to help and support me. Too hard maybe even as I think it really took a toll on her own health at times and I could tell that she felt really helpless and stressed- so I hope you are making sure that you put up some boundaries and also take care of your own health (Mum and I had a period where we were pulling each other down and it caused a lot of issues and also feelings of guilt. so in my opinion, it helps noone if you end up so worn out because you are too invested in trying to help.). What really helps me is being able to talk to my mum on the phone and know that she is there to support me- it helps to not feel all alone and to have someone who listens without judgement but who honestly states their opinion (There were periods when I was phoning 'too much' , but now this is better and Mum and I have learnt to be honest about our boundaries and limits and that is good.). I know Mum cannot 'fix' my problems/struggles, however it feels good to know that she is there, supportive and is doing all she can to help me (whilst also protecting herself). 

I can also tell you what hasn't been helpful for me in terms of support from parents. My Dad has a tendency to try and provoke me / say things that he knows will really hurt and that have some truth to them (though usually he has not really grasped the full situation- I am less close to him as my parents divorced when I was young). I understand that by doing this he is trying to make me "face reality" and trying to "provoke/startle me into action". However for me this does not work: I am trying extremely hard  and do not need to be provoked into "trying harder" and I have long known and accepted all the "truths" he is trying to make me recognise. This kind of technique  creates even more self doubt, decreases my confidence, makes me feel like a failure and creates unnecessary distress. He also has a tendency to get frustrated with me which is unhelpful. 

The other unhelpful thing is when people try very hard to help but then feel like you "owe it to them to get better". My stepfather can be a great source of support and person to talk to at times. However he has a tendency to also get frustrated and take it personally when I do not improve/ get better. So he will say things like "I spent so long and so much time trying to support you at the expense of other things, but you are still not better etc." I think part of this frustration on his side arrises because he fails to put up boundaries and meaning well tries too hard to help at the expense of other things (eg. we will happily chat on the phone. then after over 30 min he will divulge that he had actually been at a dinner with friends- I wish he had just said so straight away, I would not have bothered him then)- but in his eyes the time he spends trying to help me is "an investment" so he expects "results". Though I have to say, my stepfather has been great support and his rational approach to things can be very helpful. 

Not sure if any of this is helpful. For me the best support from a parent is when they show you that they are there for you, that they care and want to support you. Putting on too much pressure is unhelpful. Honesty is extremely important for me. I like it when my mum suggests things (but without pressure- in the end it is me who has to make the decisions and move forward- people can help, guide and support, but in the end I am the one that has to do things and act). 

I hope some of this is helpful- I thought I could maybe give you a perspective from the side of the child. 

Regarding your son seeing a doctor, have you asked him if he wants to? You could also offer helping to sort out the appointment if that is what he wants. 

I am sure that you are doing a great job at helping your sons already!! Make sure you also take care of yourself whilst supporting them.