A provocative title, yes, gentle reader, but I've just had a realisation that solves the mystery (that's been expressed by others, external to my situation) of why I didn't self destruct a few decades ago.
NOW my autistic friends, (and the few that would rather not be called my friends) if it worked for me it could work for at least one of you who have openly expressed the same self or even externally directed, hatred driven, destructive impulses.
Here, using as little metaphor as I can manage, is what I think happened to me, and how I think I manged to "Zig" when so many unfortunate souls "Zag".
I found myself surrounded by hatred often directed or seemingly caused by myself and my way of being. I had no friends, especially at home where i was beaten regularly with a horse crop more more serious crimes, and remorselessly and time wastingly by writing "lines" for inexplicable reasons at the time, but which I now know was my autism, and what I was told was my innate badness. I had to fight physically a LOT at the start. Hatred was not anything I really understood, it was so endemic to my life, that I became innured to it. I felt it intermittently, and my whole life until recently has been poisoned with a vague sense of "why the hell has this happened to me", which engenders feelings of frustration and confusion, and it's so easy to look for a minority or an individual to blame, but after a couple of false starts I realised that actually finding the right person who really deserved my wrath and corresponding "punishment", was really, really difficult!
Now, lets think about your own secret (It has to be secret by law in many cases!) resentments and hatreds. Not too long, just get a whiff of those feelings, and then come back to this poor attempt at a lesson, I think I have to give... If you did that properly you'll have felt the huge energy that hatred has, energy that's used to do BAD THINGS usually...
Let us consider that "energy" for a moment. It's a real thing, it can drive you or others to madness, and it can also be used as fuel for your ambition... All you have to do is not waste it!
Maybe what we think of as "hatred" is a misuse of something else?
So here's what I do with my "hatred", I store it up for a rainy day, instead of spending it constantly. I'm getting really good at this in fact, and since I'm "saving my hatred" the laws of psychodynamics (made up by me just now) or karma, are not violated. Over time I've found my stored up hatred, has "fermented" psychologically speaking, and far from tasting like bitter resentfulness and being cloudy with conclusion now tastes altogether different, it's changed into resolution of purpose and an ability to achieve, and it's much clearer now.
Of the people and things that engendered this hatred because I sucked it down, and didn't inflict it on them, I've noticed that the real nasty pieces of work, did come to a sticky end most of the time, and the few times I (with hindsight) had born hatred for inappropriately, never really knew, nothing bad happened, and the hatred did not do any harm, just cost me a little effort to put it away and carry it. But when some tries to mug you in the street, (and it happened to me) if you just let them see a bit of that bottled up hatred by keeping eye contact, then it seems to come in might handy to have it with you. I've seen capable assaillants look into my eyes just as I am bringing up my tamped down resentment, hatred and annoyance to the surface to use it's energy to augment my soon to be self-defence, and I swear, they change their minds abruptly, way more than they press home their advantage.
If your hatred is turned towards yourself the same rule applies (and works) to take that hatred cherish and store it and promise yourself that you will use it when you are ready. Just not right now..
I hope that little rambling is of use to someone, and I just wish I knew better how to cope with feelings of Love and Optimism, which are my most recent life challenges. (at last...)
