Autistic Women?

Hi,

I'm 25 and I also suspect that I am autistic. It was recently suggested that I could be autistic and when I started reading up about it, it really resonated with me and so much made sense. I have felt like "an alien" all my life, have special interests which I pursue to exclusion of all else, love routine etc.. I am waiting to be assessed and I still have moments where I am worried I may just be label seeking (which would be scary and sad as it fits and as I really want to belong). Realising that I am probably autistic has been a huge comfort for me- I felt less alone in the world and I feel like I finally belong somewhere. It would also explain a lot of the struggles I have been and am facing and it helps reduce some of the self-blaming, as I now understand that it wasn't simply me "not trying hard enough". I am hoping that I will become more accepting of myself and I am determined to be more myself- the masking (which I remember being a more conscious effort in the past), has become very engrained so that I sometimes struggle to know who the 'real me' is.

What is interesting is that I have now realised that my handful of friends are almost all also neurodivergent - I guess it makes sense. 

I am glad that I have realised that I am probably autistic- unfortunately it took yet another severe deterioration of my physical and mental health (complete burnout) for it to be picked up - It was actually my dietitian (who has some other autistic clients) who picked up on the signs- my new mental health team agrees there is a strong possibility, but none of the previous professionals thought of it... and even now I am still facing some issues with some professionals being unaware of the female phenotype... How did you figure out that you are autistic? 

Reading about autism and other people's experiences I has also really helped me recognise some of my patterns and issues. 

I am so glad that I found this community.

I would love to hear more about your epiphany! Has it helped you realising that you are autistic? Are you planning to get an assessment? 

Ann 

Hi,

I'm 25 and I also suspect that I am autistic. It was recently suggested that I could be autistic and when I started reading up about it, it really resonated with me and so much made sense. I have felt like "an alien" all my life, have special interests which I pursue to exclusion of all else, love routine etc.. I am waiting to be assessed and I still have moments where I am worried I may just be label seeking (which would be scary and sad as it fits and as I really want to belong). Realising that I am probably autistic has been a huge comfort for me- I felt less alone in the world and I feel like I finally belong somewhere. It would also explain a lot of the struggles I have been and am facing and it helps reduce some of the self-blaming, as I now understand that it wasn't simply me "not trying hard enough". I am hoping that I will become more accepting of myself and I am determined to be more myself- the masking (which I remember being a more conscious effort in the past), has become very engrained so that I sometimes struggle to know who the 'real me' is.

What is interesting is that I have now realised that my handful of friends are almost all also neurodivergent - I guess it makes sense. 

I am glad that I have realised that I am probably autistic- unfortunately it took yet another severe deterioration of my physical and mental health (complete burnout) for it to be picked up - It was actually my dietitian (who has some other autistic clients) who picked up on the signs- my new mental health team agrees there is a strong possibility, but none of the previous professionals thought of it... and even now I am still facing some issues with some professionals being unaware of the female phenotype... How did you figure out that you are autistic? 

Reading about autism and other people's experiences I has also really helped me recognise some of my patterns and issues. 

I am so glad that I found this community.

I would love to hear more about your epiphany! Has it helped you realising that you are autistic? Are you planning to get an assessment? 

Ann 

Hi Ann 

March 7th of this year, so earlier this month my fiancé and I had a fight. At this point in our relationship it wasn’t uncommon for the volume to go up during disagreements. I found myself more and more prone to being frustrated with her less and less tolerant. This particular night I had what I know now is a meltdown. An admittedly complex frustration, left me wailing and hitting my hands and head on the fridge. She grabbed me to stop me and held me on the kitchen floor for quite a while, kicking and hyperventilating. Just sobbing. She left the room in frustration at one point and it escalated things further. I was throwing things. I broke her phone and grabbed my keys to flee and she stopped me. I hurt her arms trying to wrestle my keys away..

She talked me into staying the night and my emotional flooding picked up pretty easily the next morning. She told me I needed to call someone and left for work and that was enough for me to start packing up my things. I moved out that day.

I started therapy to address and unpack some of my “anger problem” because it was unanimous that that behavior was unacceptable. “Physically abusive” kept coming up. That was the new me, as far as I knew. Hopeless of ever being able to forgive myself for hurting the one I love. For being perceived differently than I feel, yet again. Note: this isn’t the first time I’ve acted in such a way. These “episodes” deemed an eventual unavoidable for me in relationships. It’s my pattern. And at this point I was really settling into the thought that I’m unlovable. Or that I shouldn’t try and love. I work a 12 step program and those who helped me through the situation also had to agree, as victims of domestic abuse themselves, that my behavior was simply not acceptable. I’m not a mean person but find myself looking to others to see how I aught to be. Very easily influenced because of consistent doubt in/ consequence of my own authenticity.

Anyway I started therapy and after a session or two took researching my deal upon myself (in my usual style “I can fix it/ figure it out quicker than you”) and I did. Almost immediately I found the link to autism and connected all the dots going way back not just to this recent meltdown but all the way to childhood. Some inquiring with my parents (who seem to be relieved  by the label) confirmed for me that I am indeed autistic. The first time I said that was March 20th. I’d finally found the thing. I solved the mystery that was me. This brought me a lot of peace.

I know it’s another discussion all together, but when I presented my findings to my therapist it was very upsetting. I fielded some questions about stereotypical tells of (male) autism and she decided quickly I wasn’t and discouraged labeling. She said it would surely keep me from doing the work. Between my perception of myself being a perception of my masking and the disregard for range of the spectrum and how it can present in women, I got lost briefly in what she said. Very upsetting. To the level of suicidal ideation (once again) and thoughts of relapse. Note: my therapist is a student and our sessions are part of her schooling. I’ve decided to move past her opinion and continue my research and stick to my self diagnosis. I feel it in my gut. I know it to be true.

I don’t know if a professional assessment is something I’m going to have access to anytime soon. Not without help anyway. Here in the US I understand adult assessments can cost beyond $2k. Aside from the cost I’m worried about, as you said, not being validating in the first thing in a long time that has resonated with me. As my therapist did. I’m scared of anyone taking that clarity away from me.