A lot of things in my life feel out of my control, and a lot of that has to do with the fact that I always seem to be faced with either extreme opposites or at least conflicting understandings, instructions, and perceptions of the world. I'm always either "too much" of something or "too little" of something - often I'll get conflicting feedback from different sources about the same thing, which leaves me more confused. Or I've been told to do something one way, then when I try it I'm told I did it wrong and to go back to the old way, only for the process to repeat over and over. It's frustrating and makes me feel like such a failure.
The main thing that gets to me is outside perception of my condition. I don't fit into the box of "normal", clearly, as I was diagnosed with Aspergers, and yet according to the world I'm at the same time not autistic "enough" to need any kind of support. I'm great at masking, so I must not need any help. I just need to try harder to not let the mask slip so much, or I'm getting lazy and making excuses. So in theory I should be able to pass off as neurotypical, right? Also not the case. Then I'm constantly told that there is clearly something wrong with me.
And don't even get me started on whether I'm considered a child or an adult. Regardless of my actual age (mid-20s), my perceived ability to handle pretty much anything seems to change by the minute. Too young and naive to be left to my own devices, but old enough that I shouldn't need to be "told" to do anything, I should "just know"? Humans are strange enough that I start to wonder if I'm one of them.
