I'm not sure if anyone else does this or has experience of it but I wanted to get this out into the open and of my chest. Might make me feel a bit better maybe I'm not sure. I've not got anyone in my life to talk to about this, certainly not my parents and no friends. I will say a little trigger warning just in case though I won't go into details because it's not very pleasant for anyone.
I've been self harming since I was about 13. It became a coping thing for me because I was in so much distress. I found myself autistic and not knowing it, not knowing why I was different and didn't fit in with anyone else. At school I was bullied by pretty much everyone, no one wanted to be friends, I got called names retard was a favourite and I struggled so much with the work there, resulted in me getting extremely bad grades. Home life wasn't much better. There was and still is always an atmosphere. My parents hated me then and they still hate me now. I think my mum actually regrets having me that's the feeling I get. She wouldn't help me with my diagnosis because she doesn't think there's anything wrong with me she thinks I should get over it and be like everyone else. All this makes me cut all the time. I've really wrecked my skin over the years on my arms and legs, I'm mostly wearing long sleeves and black tights now so no one can see the cuts. It's very sad and distressing. I really want to stop but I guess it's like smoking where you know it's not good really but you just can't bring yourself to stop.
I do intend to seek support from a professional at some point but my autism and anxiety is the issue there. I am so anxious especially with strangers I think it would be too much for me at the moment. I did receive some helpful links yesterday and I've taken a look at them so I might be able to get some support until I can bring myself to see a doctor.
