I don't really know why I am posting this. I guess just in the hope for validation and I'm struggling to tell/explain to my fiance.
Recently I have been feeling like I have come to the end of my road. Everything is just too much (family, friends, money, work, uni, you name it and it's too much currently). I am overwhelmed and wanting to end it all.
I planned to take my life on New year's Eve. Researched what it means to my life insurance, planned my funeral, decided what I wanted doing with my estate, and wrote letters to my fiance and my parents. Then on the day I went to see my younger brother and got home distraught that I couldn't leave him to navigate this world alone. He is also autistic and less functioning than myself, partially due to his deafness. Our parents love us but just don't understand us and I worry that him not having me to help him navigate things that there will be a huge fallout and just disasterous for him. I know that makes me sound bigheaded but I don't mean it that way, we help each other immensely I just don't think he has awareness of that.
So when I got home I went for a nap and when I woke I spontaneously told my fiance to look in the place I put the letters. Long story short, he read them all and we talked a lot and I decided not to act on it. He tried making me feel guilty for wanting to leave him and as much as I know how much it would hurt him, and absolutely do not want that, I am struggling to see that as a reason to stay alive.
In all of this the suicide has become an obsession that I just cannot let go. I can't separate the feeling of wanting to do it and the obsession. When I get an idea I have to follow through no matter what. Obviously this is a bit different to needing to replace the car because I got an obsession over something.
I don't know how to talk to him about this. Or even if I should.
When we have 'deep' conversations he shows an understanding of my difficulties (such as miss reading his feelings) but that only ever seems to be during the conversation, it doesn't carry through to afterwards. So for example after the conversation on New year's Eve he acknowledged he needs to be blunter with me and specific and not leave me with too many unknown things (such as if he is planning to do a placement year at uni which would have an astronomical impact to improve our lives). But since then (yes I know it's only a day) he hasn't been any different and I am still wide awake wondering what next week will bring with our financials etc nevermind our wedding next year.
I am sorry for the huge rant! I could write none stop for the next week with all the things on my mind. I guess the current thing is separating the suicidal ideation with the suicidal obsession and getting him to understand me in a way that means he wants to try adapt to help me more. I know asking a NT to remove their filter is a big thing but just a little would help a lot.
