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Pilgrimage to a closed store front

Peter

Most years on Christmas Eve I visit a store front on a street full of quiet arty bars in the city centre. It used to be a cafe and many years ago one of the ‘sliding doors’ moments that could have redirected the flow of my life happened there.

I hadn’t been in university long when I met this girl through my younger brother. She was just about to turn 18 and lived a wild life I could only imagine. Crazy house party’s with copious amounts of alcohol and sex. Sneaking into bars under age. Earlier in 6th form she’d spent a year living with her then boyfriend. And through her I became more acutely aware of how much I’d missed out on growing up. Not just the wild stuff. Simple things like sleepovers or going to concerts with friends. Hanging out. Ordinary stuff I’d nearly no experience of. (Being home schooled)

First couple of years I didn’t really have a social life at uni it was all study. But at that point it didn’t seem to matter. She was welcoming me into her world and I thought soon I’d get to experience with her the kind of things I’d only known vicariously through her.

But I met her through my younger brother and she had a huge crush on him. He on the other hand didn’t want me hanging around with his friends. The people who knew the things he was getting up to and places he was going my parents wouldn’t approve of.

He gave her an ultimatum, she could be friends with him or me but not both. She chose him. But before she broke off contact with me she told me if we randomly bumped into each other she’d start talking to me again. After all my brothers insane objection was that I’d stolen his friend and that we’d never have met except for him.

Then on Christmas Eve I saw her walking up to the cafe I was eating in. She walked right up to the door, put her hand on the handle then let go and walked away. I lost my best friend as well as my best link to the world I so desperately wanted to experience for myself.

In spite of living in the same city we never bumped into each other again till she went to uni the next year. And most every year I go back to that cafe, although it hasn’t been a cafe for years, on Christmas Eve and think about what might have been. What life might have been like if I’d grown up with adventurous rule breaking friends who’d wanted to break rules and have adventures with me.

Parents

  • Peter I can really identify with this 

    I was homeschooled too and alwyas thought I'd missed out on the wild party life of drink and sex and adventurous living. 
    I was always attracted to more wild adventurous girls who I thought would give me that life

    The thing is though, I had that life eventually. I had it for several years. It was horrible, it was nothing like what I thought it would be and it left me broken or empty.

    All Im saying is dont live your whole life wondering what might have been. Maybe it didnt happen for a reason 

  • in reply to Billy87

    It’s not the alcohol so much as the risk taking that accompanies it that attracts me. I just wish I’d been braver. Tried more things, that I didn’t have to try the things I did try alone.

Reply Children
  • in reply to Peter

    Im sorry Peter, I think I am starting to understand what you mean. It is not always easy doing things alone

  • in reply to Billy87

    It's not a question of trying new things. As I said the adventures I want to have are the ones involving other people. I've traveled, always alone. I've done my share of clubbing, signed up for classes, but these days its always alone. The problem is that I'm socially isolated and have no way to connect with other adventurous people. Just going places and signing up for things isn't enough to make connections for me these days.

  • in reply to Peter

    I can understand that. I really can. Its easy to envy other people's lives. Maybe her life wasnt as good as it seemed though, you never know.

    I dont know how old you are but there is still time for you Peter. Maybe think about trying one new thing a year or something like that. Unless that is too overwhelming of course.
    For instance, I am passionate about travelling and finding out about the rest of the world. I spend all my time reading about other countries and dreaming of going there but I havn't been to any of the places I want to go and havnt been abroad for 8 years becuase of my autism, I have a panic attack and meltdown at the thought of going on holiday in this country let alone abroad so I do understand 

  • in reply to Billy87

    Here’s the thing. It’s wasn't even a romantic / sexual thing with her. Yeah there was a degree of chemistry / attraction but It wasn’t that. It was the life she lived … I guess I wanted to be like her more than be with her, to have what she had. I guess I felt life had handed her something it had withheld from me and you know maybe it would rub off on me.

    I don’t really want someone to be crazy with me at home, not just at home. I want to go out and try new things. Expand my circle of people and experiences. Have adventures. I’m just not very good at it. Usually need another person’s help to make much in that direction.

  • in reply to Peter

    I can understand that. The risk can sometimes cause more harm than good though. I have tried those things and they left me broken and empty inside.

    You will find someone. What you really want is a girl that wants to be crazy at home with you, not with anyone else. A girl who wants to be with you and enjoy sex and life but only with you. 
    THis girl you talked about doesnt sound like that, she sounds like she would have broken your heart eventually either way

    You will find the right girl, I never thought I would but I did. You will too, it might not feel like it right now but you will and when you do nothing you have missed out on will matter