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what is it that makes a person want to carry on?

autileaf

there's just so much that i hate about the way society is and it feels like idk, it's like i feel so bothered by it that i wish i could fix it all but i can't exactly. 

i feel as though i'm constantly hiding myself- first my sexuality, then my mental health, then the fact that i'm autistic and also the fact that i feel as though i don't fully identify as female. 

life's exhausting. i don't even know how to explain it to my therapist. 

i genuinely feel as though nobody in the world cares. 

studying, my alevel work, is just piling up but realistically, i can't do more than a couple hours a day. i managed 1.5 hours today and i already feel exhausted. 

i feel as though i'm becoming more and more empty. i struggle with depression and getting out of bed can be really hard esp as there's nothing that i really enjoy. 

i'm still unsure what the meaning of life is to me.  i spend ages trying to figure it out but i just doesn't know. i'm a very deep thinker that i have a lot of deep thoughts that i kind of just get lost and confused in. 

sometimes i hate the world so much that i just don't want to be in it anymore. i just feel so misunderstood by every single person. 

ive fought against my suicidal thoughts and urges to harm myself for so long and sure, i'm no longer in crisis every week but i still can't fully see a light. i feel as though i'm just trapped in the dark. 

i still have 2 weeks till my next therapy session. my last one was a week ago. 

what is it that makes someone want to carry on?

Parents

  • Family, good food, small goals, delight in little things.  Personally, gardening helps me a lot - even on the smallest scale.  Just one seed in a pot on the windowsill gives me an interest in the future. 

    Underlying this, I have a kind of spirituality, but this is something highly individual that has developed over a lifetime.  "Man's Search for Meaning" is an interesting (if also harrowing) read. 

  • in reply to Jenny Butterfly

    omg no way- i just searched up that book and it's written by the author of an article which i read in a psychology magazine which i loved. he's the one who developed logatherapy as a result of his experience in a concentration camp

  • in reply to autileaf

    Yes.  That's the one.  It's a compelling and in parts distressing read, but also one that I think takes in the weight and suffering of existence whilst arguing for a kind of "tragic optimism".  For many it might feel like too much but for me it reached me where I was and also didn't grate like some of the toxic positivity that runs through many self help resources.  

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  • in reply to autileaf

    Yes.  That's the one.  It's a compelling and in parts distressing read, but also one that I think takes in the weight and suffering of existence whilst arguing for a kind of "tragic optimism".  For many it might feel like too much but for me it reached me where I was and also didn't grate like some of the toxic positivity that runs through many self help resources.  

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