I have realised over this last year, that a combination of factors can push me to the point of meltdown / shutdown, or losing the ability to control or be aware of how I am presenting to others.
Last night was one example of such a day, it was a non routine day, a day off work of doing different things at different times, and then going to a concert to a huge venue i'd never been to before, (Manchester Arena) in a part of town I dont normally go to. i'd been trying to cram too much into too short a space of time, and was running late.
I got a bus into town and was going to walk from the bus stop to the venue. When I got close to the the venue, the route i was planning on taking was completely blocked off. I hate it when things like that happen to screw up your routes and plans, so I was a bit lost and stressed, it was very poorly lit where I was and I couldnt see any familiar landmarks,There was a lot of stressful factors, and I was getting really quite stressed out.
At this point some passer by made some mean comment about "not all there" to his partner!
It is precisely during these moments of stress and vulnerability that passing strangers come out with mean and nasty comments to me, things like "Not all there". I'm thinking that maybe its because my mask may be slipping in such situations when there is a lot of stress. Any behaviour that appears different to the others is going to cause issues. There is no tolerance what so ever I found.
Since I have recently self diagnosed and self identified with being Autistic, I thought things through in terms of autism characteristics. This did make things a bit easier, to try and rationalise and explain to myself what had happened and why. It does all fit and make sense to me. I tried telling myself that the words of some random passing stranger who is clearly ignorant and mean, and knows absolutely F.A. about me or the shoes I walk in, or indeed that I may have been displaying behaviours that were on the verge on some kind of meltdown or shutdown.
I think it may be some kind of self defence mechanism I employ in these situations, to try and detach from my anxiety and stress. That would make sense. This is the only way I am able to explain these events to mysel, in a way that makes sense. Before I had my self diagnosis and self identity as Autistic, I had no explanations at all. It was much harder then. I would have been left with no alternative other than that I must be "not all there" since that is how I had appeared to that person, in that instance,
This emotional detaching (is it some kind of shutdown I wonder) doesn't work in the real world, because people say horrible things. It's no use trying to detach from my anxiety if it's going to leave me vulnerable to receiving mean comments. I wish I didn't do it, but I simply cant help or control it. As much as I try to be strong, and tell myself things like "that person doesn't understand anything or know anything, he saw me at my worst moment, and just had to pass judgement."
The fact is, if you sometimes cant help having your worst moments in public and cant quite control your self presentation at this time, by continually self monitoring and maintaining the awareness that there are other people around, those people will judge harshly. As much as I was able to understand what lead up to this happening, and to think that I understand why that person was mean, it still took the shine off my evening. I'm sure that being in such a huge and unfamiliar new venue didn't help either.
At least it will be easier the next time I go there. There is another event in February, and I will be much better prepared in every way.
A very similar thing happened to me in very similar circumstances a few months earlier. Too many stresses in a new situation exposes my weaknesses, and other people either directly make mean comments, or I can see them looking at me like I'm some kind of social retard. Which I suppose I am, in situations that I struggle with. But I am absolutely not a mental defective, who is "not all there" in most other circumstances. I was still raging about that persons comments when I got home last night.
I refuse to be let myself be limited by my condition, although sometimes it does make things very challenging for me, particularly doing too many new things in new places when there is time pressure. I don't like it, but I still have to push and challenge myself even when it may be too much. At least the same things will be much easier on the next occasion. It definitely makes it very challenging for me to try to enjoy completely new events and places.
Does any of this make sense to anyone else? Has anyone else been through, or going through similar things? How do you deal with things?
