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No One Believes Me

Raven_Forester

Hi Everyone,

I believe that I have autism. Anyone that I've told has basically dismissed be and told me not to pigeonhole myself or give myself such a "bad lable" or said things like "It's all in your head. You don't act autistic." These things frustrate me to no end. 

I'm very nervous and paranoid about many things, especially my health and mental health. For years I've been looking for what was wrong with me and why I didn't feel right or why things are so much harder for me than everyone else. This has ranged from believing I have cancer when I was really just anxious and depressed over my family situation and also a big transition from middle school to high school,  to believing I have dyslexia when I struggled much more with my comprehension and reading speed and processing speed when in higher level classes in school. They all just atribute my belief that I have autism to over worrying. All this time I've really just been looking for answers I think. I've known deep down that I'm not like everyone else even when I appear to be on the outside and in my daily social interactions. I've gotten very good at pretending and the people closest to me are sometimes able to see past that so they're not even fazed by my weirdness anymore. My stepdad has even gone as far as making jokes about how I might be autistic for years. But the moment I suggest he might be right everyone shuns me. 

Part of this is, everything that leads me to believe I might be autistic is inside my head. For example, no one sees the awkwardness I feel when communicating with people, even friends and family members. They always say I'm acting fine and normal even when I feel weird, awkward, and uncertain. On the outside I appear to be a completely "normal" teenager with anxiety and trauma in spades. Being extremely literal (leading to missed jokes and sarcasm unless its put on really thick) is just a quirk, my lack of eye contact is just a phase, I'll grow out of my shyness and anxiety, eventually I'll get better at understanding people. To them, I'm not autistic, I'm an anxiety riddled nerd with two friends and struggles with large group and gets exhausted from them quickly, that dislikes change, has crying fits when they can't make decisions because pros and cons lists keep on going forever and ever, prefers writing in their room to having people over 99.99999% of the time, when I'm not acting extremely passive I come off rude or mean because my tone is never right even though I always try to be kind and courteous to everyone and never mean hard, can't lie beyond a white lie that when questioned immediately crumbles (its also against my moral code), sees things in "black and white" (I wouldn't go out the in door at toys R us as a kid), hating certain fabrics, bright lights, sudden loud noises or overwhelming noises, etc. I could go on. But I'm not autistic. Even my guidance counselor once made a comment about how my brain works like an autistic person... but I couldn't possibly be autistic because I do so well in school. 

I wish someone would take me seriously long enough to look at the research I've complied, the evidence for my autism and against it because there are plenty of autistic traits I don't have (food sensitivity, intense rituals, no problem with hugs as long as I know the person well, melt downs or shut downs to my knowledge, having been bullied as a kid, etc). But every autistic has different experiences, right? Unless I really am looking too far into things. 

I've also been doing readings on my MBTI personality type (although I'm not too sure how accurate those tests really are). INFJ's have a lot of overlap with the traits I described above as my autism evidence. 

Anyway, I think I rambled on enough. I'm sorry. Any advice would be helpful.

  • in reply to JustJuno

    Thank you. Honestly, I think this is the best thing I could have heard right now. Hearing such a similar story with a happy ending (or what seems happy) gives me hope and is reinforcing my desire for a diagnosis. I do want the validation and understanding from my close family members and friends, as well as extra help I could receive in college if I had a diagnosis. I'm really, really happy for you and your daughter. I hope she's finally feeling a little bit normal in this world instead of always feeling like the outlier. I know first hand how hard it is to be in that position. And thank you for your anecdote. I feel a little less crazy now. 

  • Hey, it sounds to me like you're definitely on the spectrum. Recently, I've been on the whole autism diagnosis journey with my teenage daughter. For a while, I must admit I was in denial of the possibility, as were several other family members. My daughter reminds me somewhat of you. She is incredible introspective, and was convinced that she felt different from other people; she went off and analysed all her quirks, researched into autism and did several personality tests (also came out INFJ!). We all knew that she had her eccentricities, and she exhibited many autistic behaviours, like the ones you have listed, but she was by no means a textbook case. But with the help of an amazing therapist, the diagnosis has helped me understand how her brain works. Lots of people will say there's no point in getting a diagnosis, unless you want a specific grant at school or in the work place, but it seems to me like it would be a good thing for you. For people like yourself and my daughter, it can be a really important and validating thing to know whether or not you are on the spectrum, and for some, that label can inspire so much confidence in their identity, reduce anxiety and build understanding and support with family. My daughter was determined that a diagnosis should be pursued, and I can honestly say that it has been the best thing ever!

  • Thank you for your kinds words everyone, this is all helping me feel more grounded. I need to know myself first and foremost. This has really warmed my heart to read today. 

  • Many of us have been gaslighted by peers, family & even doctors.....before getting our diagnosis. Don't let others gaslight you or make you question your reality. I put everything I had towards getting diagnosis & I'm so glad I did. The road may be paved with challenges for adult diagnosis--depending on your location. But, it's worth it. You know YOU.

  • in reply to Raven_Forester

    I mean I'd speak to some USA autism charities then. I have 0 idea how you go about getting a diagnosis in the USA. But I assume your family doctor will be involved.

  • Yeah, people get used to being around you, so they stop thinking that you're being weird, and they get used to it. They don't want to see you having a problem or some kind of disorder, so they rationalize it as - that's just how you are. 

    I think that regardless of the autistic traits you don't have, you still seem like you're on the spectrum based on what you do have. And no one knows when you are masking and putting effort into socializing, so they can't see how you are like when you're not masking.

    I mean to aquaintances, I mask and put effort into socializing, that they think I'm friendly and confident, but the people closest to me notice my lack of eye contact and lack facial expressions, and they say it's hard for them to tell what my mood is, but because I'm close to them, I am relaxed and comfortable with being myself, and I am not pressured to mask and "perform" in front of them. 

  • Realistically I know you’re right. And yeah, I know it’s similar to everything else I’ve posted so far. I juse keep going in a cycle with this. I’m sorry. I don’t want to bother anyone. I probably seem crazy.

    No, I haven’t talked to my GP. Partially because everyone in my life already doesn’t believe me and being a minor and still living at home, to go forward I need support. And I live in the US where there’s an issue of health care. I want to get an assessment. Especially since I’m going to college next year snd I think more supports in school would be really helpful for me. If I am autistic… maybe that’s the understanding I’ve been looking for, the reasons why I’ve had these struggles all my life that I’ve had to hide. 
    I guess I’m just too scared to take a step forward. And that’s my fault. I probably shouldn’t be making endless rants on here, huh?

    Thank you guys! I think this is exactly what I needed to hear.

  • I agree with Tass. The best way to cure your anxiety is speak to a medical professional. They can either assure you you are not autistic or (quite posable) refer you to be formerly diagnosed. If the question of whether or not you are autistic worries you that much why not just settle the question as soon as you can? Have you spoken to your GP about this?

  • This is very similar to the other posts you've made on the same subject. The only real solution you have is  an autism assessment. It won't matter what anyone else thinks, if you have an official diagnosis and, with it, all the validation you require. Best of luck.