‘Don’t take yourself so seriously’: what does this mean?

Those of us on the spectrum can be a bit intense.  At moments of quiet self reflection I recognise this in myself. 

I believe that two of the most powerful words in the English language are "for example", so here are some examples, the first one made-up, the other real.  

1.  Someone says something, in conversation, and it's wrong; worse, it's mainly right but they got some nuance wrong. 

2.  It's a topic you happen to know something about. 

3.  You feel that they need to understand where they've gone wrong, so you explain it. 

4.  Because they are NT and you aren't, their reaction isn't what you expect.  It might be a quizzical look or a comment which doesn't really tell you that they've received, analysed and understood your point.  So you suspect they still haven't got it, and you explain even more.  You might really focus on them (which, it turns out, can be a bit scary). 

5.  In fact, it isn't that they 'didn't get it', they simply don't care very much.   It was a 'throw away comment' in a conversation.  

6.  In my own case, I find that I have much greater commitment to errors of that sort than the NT person who made the comment.  They are having a lightweight chat, to pass the time.  It's a social ritual.  The act of exchanging words isn't really about passing information between them, it's a method of intuitive social bonding.  The fact that the words are not quite right is not that important.  

7.  NT people in the conversation may also have realised the error, but they just 'let it go'.  It's not important to them.  It wasn't the main topic of the conversation, it was a side issue.  Or they just quietly register (perhaps with mild amusement) that this person gets stuff like that wrong, but don't say anything.

8.  To them, perhaps, correcting the mistake is not as important as the risk of upsetting the person, so they simply don't.  Or they have a more muted reaction (like not replying, or being non-committal).  

Here's the real life example.  

I'm a professional photographer.  One of our friends is a chatty, caring, lovely, mature lady who is entirely visually illiterate.  Bless her, she couldn't tell a decent photograph from a bar of soap, but she thinks she's a gifted photographer (one of the worst cases of Dunning-Kruger you could imagine).

She tends to show her awful vacation snaps around to people and she actively seeks praise ("look at this one, I think this is great, don't you?  I could sell that, couldn't I?  That could be in a brochure!!!")  These dreadful photographs aren't just dull - they are almost offensively bad.  

The photographer inside me is screaming at me to put her right, to sit her down and explain really incredibly basic stuff such as Depth of Field, composition, sharpness, bokeh, white balance, the importance of shutter speed etc.  That's what my intuitive reaction would be.  

On an objective, intellectual basis, however, I know that if I did that, it would endanger the relationship, upset her, probably make her husband angry, and it would achieve nothing.  She would not go away thinking "I need to learn about this stuff", she'd go away thinking I was being horrid.  It would have no impact on her photography, but she'd be hurt, wounded, and upset.  

In the process, anyone who witnessed this would think I was being too intense, taking myself too seriously, too "up myself", that I needed to lighten-up, etc etc.  When I think about it wholistically, does it really matter?  No, it doesn't; her photography isn't even an important constituent in our relationship, it's based on much more than that.  But because I have ASD, that voice inside me is really, really loud.  Saying nothing is torture, but that's what I do.   

Personally, if I was making a fool of myself going round asking for praise for really bad photography, I'd kind of want to know. 

But ultimately, she doesn't. 

She just wants to be told that her awful photographs are great, and she wants people to go 'ooh' and 'ah'.  Which most people do, some of them (those with even the faintest grasp of what constitutes good imagery) do this with complete insincerity, because the relationship is important and her silly self-indulgence over her own photography isn't.  What they're saying isn't true, and they know that, but she wants to hear praise, so they praise her.  

I think we sometimes have to be a bit like David Attenborough observing a different species.  That mentality helps me to get my head around situations like these ... though I don't always remember to do this, and still get accused of being too intense, and taking myself too seriously.

Hope that helps ... just my entirely subjective 'take' on your question.

Yeah, I was going to say this.

I mean I do admire Robert's research - but that seems like a bit of a mechanical explanation. This is a far better sum up in my view. 

Thanks 

Thank you 

I think it means you are reacting to something in a way they don't like. I've particularly noticed if people want to make fun of you or playfully insult you or make personal comments about your appearance or behaviour, if you don't like that then they hold you at fault and tell you to not take yourself so seriously.

For me it means I'm probably talking to a neurotypical person who has no idea of the intensity of my experiences and what I'm talking about.  Along with, "Get over yourself!"  It also indicates that this isn't a safe person with whom to discuss such matters so these days I simply shut it down and talk with someone else, a trusted person in a safe context.  

I also think such statements are uttered carelessly, without much meaning behind them and, true enough, if queried (which I don't do any more) the person struggles to explain.  Maybe I'm just "too much" for some people, and that's OK.  I share my "too much" with kindred spirits who like drilling down.  :)

I think most people use it to me stop over-analysing and over-thinking stuff. Have some more fun.

I get it a lot. I think about the meaning of jokes and delve into them instead of just laughing. 

You can either just not take to much notice when people tell you that. Or you could tell them, as I tend to do, that it's just how your mind works.

I get enjoyment out of analysing things not out of just laughing at something or enjoying the superficial meaning, and I'm learning to not apologise for that. 

Thank you for your reply 

I found this  explanation online.

When used as a saying against you like, “you take yourself too seriously” it means in the speaker’s eyes that you are being one or some combination of the following:

A) Pretentious, in other words everyone wants distinction/merit/care but you’re trying to win it forcefully through your behavior/comments you make about yourself and they don’t really want to hear it, they got themselves to worry about afterall.

B) You’re being self-righteous in their eyes, in other words you’re very sure of yourself and how right you are, this rubs some the wrong way because we’re a social species and they want you to sacrifice some of you for them or go with the group, if you have a strong sense of self identity they aren’t getting what they want from you so credit it to a character flaw of yours stating your reasons for it are a flaw or just casting your self assurance as a negative quality, which by itself at least it isn’t.

C) They wish to influence you to do something, and they figure it’s a good angle of attack after they tried softer methods especially if you have a habit of being thoughtful/serious about stuff, they can try to use shame to then get what they want from you.

D) They genuinely think you’re miserable and want you to cheer up it’s bringing them down or they are concerned about you, or both.

When used as a saying like “you shouldn’t take life so seriously”, it instead usually means that they wish for you to lighten up, have fun, laugh a little, join in their fun, in other words they want you to have fun with them or not make them feel bad for them trying to have fun.