Anxiety and obsessions

Roguelife said:

I even said to my brother once that I feel like I'm addicted to thinking

This is why I think meditation is important.  I had started to build in 20 minutes breathing exercise every day whenever I remembered to. It's tailed off the past few weeks for certain reasons, but that's ok I'll get back on it. It's helped create a bit of space in my head. I never thought I'd have space. I have definitely found a benefit to it. Similarly, when I've tried a low dose of shrooms, Ive noticed my mind is totally on the present and there's no ruminating. I feel the benefits a few days after as well.

I think as it takes discipline, willpower and strength to control compulsive drinking or addiction, it has to be the same for thoughts. I do think we can change, our brains are flexible but I do think there's an element of this which will always remain to a certain extent.

That sounds great that you can get into the zone with your music. How does it maje you feel? I can get like that with lesson planning at work. Although it's not particularly enjoyable, I seem to slip into this other world. If you could get a job doing the video editing, that'd be amazing! I do feel a bit lost at the moment in the sense that i wish I had a physical  hobby that would keep my attention and hands busy. 

I came across Eckhart Tolle today who I've heard of but didn't really know about. Here's a short video about addiction to thoughts https://youtu.be/dTFDfR47dl4 and he has a well known book which I might investigate called The Power Of Now.

It's okay, I can waffle for England.

out_of_step said:

Can you relate to any of this?

Yes, I even said to my brother once that I feel like I'm addicted to thinking. But you're right, it's specific thoughts isn't it - good or bad - that we're compelled to think. Compulsions have been something I've struggled a lot with, it's taken me many years to stop drinking compulsively, and I still feel that compulsion. I even fell off the wagon after lockdown ended, but I'm nothing like the way I used to be. It's taken a lot of discipline. I also talk compulsively, and have to try really hard not to bore people to death!

This kind of unceasing energy for particular activity can be a good thing sometimes though. If I'm doing something creative which gets me into a flow state I can be going for hours. Today I spent about eight or nine hours working on editing a music video, and it didn't feel at all like work, and it didn't become tedious. In fact it freed me temporarily from all the dreadful worries bombarding me at the moment. Made me realise I need to try and aim towards work which will suit this kind of compulsive action, because I can be incredibly productive.

I'm also glad to chat to yourself and others about these issues which usually seem so unique to me. Nice to not have to feel like an alien for once. 

Yes its "mild" but that doesn't mean to say it's easy! And that's the double edge sword. When you have a typical life, you're expected to just suck it up and get on with it.

Yes,  inertia isn't just about difficulty starting things, irs also difficulty stopping. This to me doesn't just have to be physical tasks but also mental thought processes (ie obsessions). Sometimes it's good and can give you focus and drive.  Other times it can create despair and frustration.

Roguelife said:

f some emotional disturbance pops up or something knocks me off course it's like it's a struggle then to even do the basics. 

I can identify with this. I think that's been my problem this past week. Certain aspects of my life have remained fairly steady but then a few things knocked off this balance. It was restored (in my mind) toward the end of the week and now I feel ok. One of the things I identified, was that it's almost like I'm addicted to a particular thought. (Which actually has caused me a great deal of anxiety in the past). Can you relate to any of this? Events this week meant the course of these thoughts had to change and I felt myself a bit at sea and it was this which caused me discomfort and overwhelm. When balance was restored, I felt happy that I could continue with the original thoughts which I feel compelled to think. Even though they cause anxiety but this is preferable to the overwhelm I've felt this week when the thoughts temporarily changed.

Omg that's a bit waffley isn't it. 

Anyway, I'm really glad you started this thread. It'd been very helpful to get some thoughts out and also see other perspectives.

Wow, you describe something so similar to my experiences. I also find that when I'm on a path I can work very hard and spend hours on a project, or at this point in my life I'm studying, and I can throw myself into that so vigorously, but then if some emotional disturbance pops up or something knocks me off course it's like it's a struggle then to even do the basics. 

And yes I feel I can be more sensitive to other's emotions too, sometimes more than non autistic people, and that I'm really emotionally sensitive, to an impractical degree! It shows how much of a mixed bag these autistic traits are, especially if you're more mildly on the spectrum. And by mild I don't mean it doesn't effect me daily, and I don't know to what extent you're on the spectrum, I just mean in comparison to autistic people who've need support and sometimes personal care all their lives.

out_of_step said:

Not when they touch your hair and put their finger through it!

Okay yes that's not so subtle! 

I try that myself, not as much fun as it used to be. Maybe I should try another approach?

Try saying that when you've had a few drinks! 

Describes a big chunk of my life too.

I wasn't aware of the term perseveration. Just had to look it up. Interesting to discover a word which describes a big chunk of my experience of life. 

My partner said the other day, why can't I obsess about nice things? Why does it always have to be negative?  Good question.

NAS73180 said:

I wonder if ASD has as a trait the sensation that any particular ‘now’ is infinite.

Agree! Even to the extent of "well it's not raining outside right now so I'm not taking an umbrella". That aside, this is something I struggle with but trying to deal with through practise.  

Bit of a tangent but...Something which I learned in CBT has been really useful. We have an emotional part of the brain and a rational part of the brain. When emotional brain kicks in, rational brain goes offline. So there's no point trying to tell yourself anything because your rational brain is not listening. In the past when this has happened, ive waited for the emotion to subside then am able to think a bit more clearly. 

I didn't know it could interfere so much with medication. Glad you are on better ones now.

It must be very tiring for you

I find looking for the grey area as opposed to the black or white sometimes doesn't help. I understand this grey area and it makes sense hut doesnt help me feel any better. I keep trying though! What I've found is writing things down can help as this gives me clear evidence that things will pass. I know from work I did in CBT this gave me evidence that anxiety will pass. But sometimes it's difficult applying it to situations, especially if it isn't clear cut.

This is something I want to investigate with a mental health professional. It might be I just have to accept perseveration and be kind to myself. Or there might be distraction techniques,  or mindful techniques i havent come across...I'm going to keep an open mind and hope a referral comes through. It's about chipping away. I've been able to chip away at worry to the point where I don't worry the same. But for me, perseveration isn't always about worry. It can be frustration, stress, something positive. Apologies if I'm repeating myself from an earlier post.

There's only me who can make any changes to improve my life. It's up to me and nobody else. See what's out there to help you...don't write yourself off just yet.

Not when they touch your hair and put their finger through it! I honestly thought "oh no I've got ear wax stuck in my hair....or crumbs from my dinner" - either is a complete possibility with me. So that happened and I just carried on my way! Totally oblivious. But other more subtle signs like a wink...haven't got a clue. Or it comes to me days or weeks or months later.

I was thinking today on my walk...a friend said I had "too much emotional inrelligence" but I'm inclined to disagree. I think I'm very emotional. I think I have a good understanding of others which I think to a certain degree has come from observing and learning and bring open minded. I actually think im very good at perspective taking in some instances (better than some non autistic people I know) but sometimes needing time to digest. Then on the other hand, how I've been the past few days....I don't think I've been able to process my own emotions very well. I've felt a bit of a mess and have been struggling to understand why. Nothing major has happened though. Just unexpected changes....

I can see how inertia comes into play and I read something about this on the forum a few months ago. I feel that I carry on, on my trajectory (eg a thought or expectation). But if something blocks that and I have to take a different path, I don't know what to do. This can cause frustration and confusion, but I don't feel it's anxiety. This is something I feel I will have trouble explaining when my mental health referral comes through. I think they want things to fit into a box of "anxiety" or "depression" etc 

Soifre said:

people like us get ground down very easily in totally unsuitable environments

I've felt on death's door because of being in the wrong job, as dramatic as that sounds. You're absolutely right in what you say, but to others it's almost impossible to understand and if I were to be honest with them about my struggles it would just seem like weakness. Although I'm trying at the moment to move on from seeking understanding from anyone. I already care less about being accepted so I feel like I can work on letting go of trying to be be understood.

Sounds like you've had some tough times, sorry to hear it. 

Soifre said:

My sincere advice? Get some real help and stay in touch, sometimes it will be the only thing which holds you together.

Just wondering what you mean by 'real help'?

I think the peppermint tea deleted my meds - I'm on some better ones now - but it might not be wise for some people to drink it.

I write too, and so long as I can find the time and self belief to do it then it's also of great benefit to me. And it's much more preferable to obsess over my short stories and songs than my worries. 

I'm starting to get the impression from this topic that there's not a lot we on the spectrum can do about it other than accept it this kind of obsessiveness. Maybe that's not true, but acceptance does have its benefits. Even if you're only able to accept that you can't stop worrying, at least then the stress of trying to find a way to stop worrying won't be added on to all the stress already there.

Interesting thought.

I think I know it won't last but the knowledge that it will pass just doesn't really help much. And the knowledge that there is no guarantee that things will improve overwhelms everything for me. 

out_of_step said:

I think intelligence is different to social "intuition" and they're not mutually exclusive.

Well said. I watch people very carefully and feel like I've learned to read people pretty well in most circumstances, although I guess I could very easily be wrong without realising it. But with flirting or being able to tell if someone likes you or not it's much much more difficult. It's so subtle.