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Sibling issues and self harm (possible trigger warning)

ParentingAutism

Hi, what do I do? Myself and my husband are getting very stressed because our kids aren't behaving. We have a son, 6, with possible ADHD, a 13 y.o daughter (NT) and a nearly 15 y.o on the spectrum. Obviously, siblings won't always get along but today is worse than other days. 

Basically, my 13 y.o had a friend round for a sleepover last night and they slept outside so they don't keep us up, so she is very tired and moody. Our son just doesn't listen and is being too loud for our 14 y.o. The main issue is with our daughter on the spectrum because she's getting extremely fed-up and overwhelmed.

Some of the reasons include: the room is messy and her sister isn't putting things in the right place, she's being replaced by her sister's friend, her brother is too loud, and the 13 y.o (the sister) keeps being horrid in front of her face about being autistic. She says things like 'How come she gets to go to the shop and we're not. Oh, I forgot she is autistic so she can do what she wants'. To start off with, I let her try out her new shoes but she came home with a bottle of lemonade for everyone. She also keeps saying 'I forgot, it's too loud' very sarcastically when we play music. So as you can probably tell, she's getting very upset by everything and she's hungry because she hasn't had breakfast because her usual bowl and spoon was being washed. 

What do I do? I feel like a bad parent and I deal with a lot of stuff by myself because my husband isn't the best with understanding autism and why she acts the way she does. We are trying to get her to communicate in different ways but it doesn't happen overnight. I need help... 

Thanks x

TW:

UPDATE: I have found out that she was self-harming earlier. She was cutting her arm. She's done this many times but this is the first time this year. What do I do now? 

Parents

  • Hi,

    Sad to read this, assuming everything was ok when she lived with her dad eg, school, homework, general well being. Would it be so bad? Especially if her sister isn't being nice to her (at all by the sounds of it) I was viciously physically and mentally bullied by my older brother when I was younger and I wanted to live with my grandparents to get away from him so I know how she feels.

    It might not be what you would want because you want her to be with you but if that's causing her issues which clearly it is it needs to be addressed asap.

    As for your other daughter who isn't being nice I don't really know what you could do other than talk to her and find out what her problem is with her sister or with you which I think could be more likely. I thank that she could be, in her own way, jealous of her bit sister because she gets a lot more attention from you because of how much you need to help her, I can only assume that from your posts because they all seems to be about the eldest daughter and not the younger so she must be doing ok all things considered.

    The nastiness from the younger sister has to stop she's 13 she knows what's right and wrong I would suggest maybe you two going out do what ever it is that she likes and talk and find out what's wrong with her she could be projecting her anger onto her sister because she has something else in her life that's angering her it could be 100 different reasons it could just be that she is a 13 year old girl and they're not very nice I've been around plenty on young teenage girls growing up and I can quite comfortably say that they can be particularly horrible in their own way and again for many reason so just talk maybe she just needs her mum to sit there and listen to all her silly 13 year old girl stuff whether it be bad or good and have a conversation about.

Reply

  • Hi,

    Sad to read this, assuming everything was ok when she lived with her dad eg, school, homework, general well being. Would it be so bad? Especially if her sister isn't being nice to her (at all by the sounds of it) I was viciously physically and mentally bullied by my older brother when I was younger and I wanted to live with my grandparents to get away from him so I know how she feels.

    It might not be what you would want because you want her to be with you but if that's causing her issues which clearly it is it needs to be addressed asap.

    As for your other daughter who isn't being nice I don't really know what you could do other than talk to her and find out what her problem is with her sister or with you which I think could be more likely. I thank that she could be, in her own way, jealous of her bit sister because she gets a lot more attention from you because of how much you need to help her, I can only assume that from your posts because they all seems to be about the eldest daughter and not the younger so she must be doing ok all things considered.

    The nastiness from the younger sister has to stop she's 13 she knows what's right and wrong I would suggest maybe you two going out do what ever it is that she likes and talk and find out what's wrong with her she could be projecting her anger onto her sister because she has something else in her life that's angering her it could be 100 different reasons it could just be that she is a 13 year old girl and they're not very nice I've been around plenty on young teenage girls growing up and I can quite comfortably say that they can be particularly horrible in their own way and again for many reason so just talk maybe she just needs her mum to sit there and listen to all her silly 13 year old girl stuff whether it be bad or good and have a conversation about.

Children
  • in reply to O

    Thank you, I admit I give the eldest more attention at times when it's needed otherwise she just gets on with whatever she does. I also spend a lot of time trying to keep our son under control but I will use your idea about taking her out and having a chat about what's troubling her and what I can do to help. 

    The only reason I don't want her to go live with her dad is because it's only been a few months and she's done really well and come so far. If she does live there again, she won't be able to go to her school or see us except for weekends.