Potential trigger warning!!!!!
i am autistic. i found an autisitc “specialist”, who was very kind to me at first, but once i trusted them, started telling me everyone is autistic, you have to fit in otherwise you won’t be hapy, stop stiming, even went as far as to say he knew someone who became “more” autisitic and has been locked up for three years ( i hope this isnt true but am not sure!). he said i could either have written on my gravestone i flapped my hands, or i lived a hapy and fuffiling life. he said he’s concerned i might find other autistic people to socialise with (despite it not existing apparently) and leave the wonders of “society” and “normality”. your only going after autism as an identity, its an identity crisis. “we all have to mold to society” he says. “if i would live in a different country, i would be a different human! autism is learned! you can’t say your autistic because you’ve only have your experiences to go on, so how can you tell you are different! your manic and need a phychaitrist! he even suggestde lithium. you are bi polar! it’s all your imagination! “you are gullible and belive anything you read stop reading about autism, your fixating on it”. my past “therapist” was also horrible ,was clueless at first, but decided to make me “normal” through cbt, i got really really ill emotionally after that (that was two years ago). i’m so trusting i believed him as well for a day. unsuprisingly i felt deeply oppressed, suppressed, depressed and a bit suicidal. and started masking again after that, but it seems to be passing. its been almost a week now since i last saw him. i’ve masked my whole life up until a few weeks ago, and feel like i need to have a meltdown or shutdonw, but haven’t had one for so long and am not in a safe enviroment so can’t do it (my family are telling me to move out cause i’m getting too noisy im 21). i said i use molehill miontain, and still have no idea how im feeling, he said thats your imagination course you know - and i dont!!! honestly!!!! even my gp, who said im autistic, said “dont go into autism too much” cause autistic people get “obssesed over things”. i wish i could say this never happened, but it did, and i’ll never forget it. i’ve been doing a lot of stimmy things (tho consouly stimming after this is very hard, i feel i might get locked up for it, tho rationally that’s not going to happen ever,) and crying to process it and thats helping. any love would be wonderful at the moment, i know it’s only a comments section so can’t expect much though! i just feel utterly devalidated and worthless!!!!!!!!! i think the best way to proces all this is by a lot of nice stimi things and reading more about autism and reaching out for help in autistic communites. he is against all autistic communities. he is jewish and ultra orthodox, even spoke of the dangers of the internet! i live in the UK, can’t believe someone could be qaulified and behave like that. the worst is that if i make a complaint they might not beleive me cause im “autistic”. i only get labelled autistic when it suits everyone around me!
and i've found a therapist who does actually help autistic people, but they haven't got back to me, i don't know if they are devalidating me as well! or they might not be free. i live in manchester, if anyone has any advice to get some real face to face validation and support i need that, any helpline for autistic people, or autisitc services...... which wont de humanise me.... my parents seem to be accepting me and showing love which is helping a bit!!!!
please please please dont comment if you don't believe me or dont have anything nice to say.....all i need is to be believed and validated. even something like, "that sounds terrrible, i'm sending support virually!" would make such a difference..... every thing i wrote earlier is almost true word for word, i have a photographic memory, im not lieing, honestly!!!! im telling myself he and my old therapist and my gp are wrong in every sense, utterly incorrect but it isn't helping much the fact is that i've been fully invalidated by real humans and he said sorry but it doesnt help...
