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Depression?

Ladybird

I’ve got some questions, maybe someone’s got the answers.

I’ve tried to improve my mood. First by taking st.john’s wort and when it didn’t work I tried 5-htp. It didn’t work. Maybe the dose was too low, maybe I should double/triple it. 

I have generally low mood (but some days better, some days worse) and I have an anxiety. Anxiety is ruining my life.

It’s not a new issue and I’ve tried CBT and counselling which didn’t help. 

NHS CBT was completely useless.

Recently I’ve talked to someone about suicide and they said that it would be worth if I talk to GP and take some medication. 

But I’m not sure. 

I’m not at imminent risk. I know I might kill myself in the future but I’m not going to do it yet. It’s just an option if the life is too much. 

I’ve chosen the method and the thought is comforting. 

The thought that I’ve got the way out and that I’m prepared.

But I’m not going to kill myself yet. 

I have small children and I’m not going to cause trauma to my children. They are not ready to deal with that.

I’ve been having recurring suicidal thoughts for years.

I’ve never mentioned them in therapy because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and I was afraid how they might react.

And now to my questions.

Should I go to GP? 

Will they tell anyone? 

Are they going to make a big deal out of it? 

Or maybe ignore me? 

Maybe it’s not worth mentioning at all? 

Will I be sent to CBT again? 

Offered medication? 

Can I choose medication or therapy? 

What about side effects of medication?

I’m worried about side effects.

Parents

  • I can reply only to myself, where’s other reply button?

    Everything just seems too much.

    Even things I’ve been able to do in the past. 

    I too anxious to go anywhere on my own. I won’t talk on the phone. I thought about volunteering or some support or interest groups but I’m not able to force myself to go. Even if it’s only online zoom meeting.

    Even sitting in my own garden is stressful because of the neighbours.

    I’m still working but it’s more surviving than thriving because every thought of anything new scares me. It paralyses me completely and I can’t think straight. Every question, request or demand. Even if it’s something I want to do. It seems too much. And it annoys me. I’m annoyed and angry at myself.

    Because I’m limiting myself more and more and I can’t see how I can I get out of it. What if I deteriorate even further?

  • in reply to Ladybird

    Are you able to challenge yourself?     Little things like give yourself a treat if you walk around the block?      Little rewards for doing things you don't like?

    What is the problem with the neighbours?    It's often easier to engage with the thing that annoys you rather than being subject to it.      The equivalent is that a busy road is annoying - but many people enjoy a coffee in a pavement cafe while people-watching.

    It's all about looking at your problems as challenges to overcome rather than be oppressed by.

Reply
  • in reply to Ladybird

    Are you able to challenge yourself?     Little things like give yourself a treat if you walk around the block?      Little rewards for doing things you don't like?

    What is the problem with the neighbours?    It's often easier to engage with the thing that annoys you rather than being subject to it.      The equivalent is that a busy road is annoying - but many people enjoy a coffee in a pavement cafe while people-watching.

    It's all about looking at your problems as challenges to overcome rather than be oppressed by.

Children
  • in reply to Ladybird

    It sounds like you need a stress-buddy to do things with - someone to distract you while you walk around the block - someone to fill your mind with other thoughts during activities.     Do you have access to a Meetup walking group?    Things are opening up so it might be the time to start  to think of nicer things.      

    I want to photograph the bluebells in the woods and just sit in the peace and quiet on my collapsible chair.     Maybe say hello to the dog walkers and meet some flappy-tongued dogs.   Smiley

  • in reply to Plastic

    I agree. And I’ve tried that before pandemic with various success. Actually, the success rate was pretty low. But I had glimmer of hope. Now I’m giving up. 

    Somehow, instead of getting easier it gets harder. Instead of “yeah, I did it, I can do it again”  I start to panic “no, please, don’t force me to do that again”.

    And I’ve started to notice more physical symptoms of stress: poor sleep, stomach problems, chest pain, change in eating habits, loss of hair (I’ve got recurring alopecia areata since childhood and it’s often triggered by stress as it messes up my immune system)