Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I wanted to ask about burnouts. I'm pretty sure my husband is in one, he hasn't been diagnosed yet hes waiting for an assessment.
The last few years we've had a lot going on stress wise including him losing both parents within 5 months, then he's changed his job form working nights in a supermarket to working in care with children.
Over the last year he's had a lot of time off due to his mental health, hes currently on antidepressants but they aren't doing anything! So I'm wondering if its actually a burnout and because he now has time to rest everything has caught up with him?
He's constantly tired well more like drained, he has trouble concentrating or focusing but he also has suicidal thoughts and what he's told me self loathing thoughts, Not sure if this is burnout related or him working through the thoughts of being autistic. I will say his sister has autism, their mum made my husband do a lot of things for her basically wrapped her in cotton wool and i think he feels let down but I know it's harder to see it in boys. When their parents died me and him sorted everything out and tried to support his sister. He's just very overwhelmed and i think He's worried about telling the doctors or his therapist about these thoughts in case they section him.
All this is new to us and I was wondering if he was having like an extreme burnout or is it something else?
Sorry if this makes no sense, I'm trying to figure it all out and put it into words i just really want to help him.
Thank you for your time Amy
Hi Amy,
It does sound like burnout to me and I would be inclined to trust your intuition. I think many of us don't realise sometimes that our bodies can be in permanent stress mode at various times of upheaval or having underlying problems that may not have been properly addressed or processed that can continue to eat away at us. As you say, there was a big change in employment, grief to deal with and his own self-loathing issues.
Are you able to help him get to the root of these suicidal thoughts or able to encourage him to discuss with his therapist ? Maybe try a different medication ? Could he be suffering something/s that has been bothering him inside for a long time that hasn't been properly processed ?
Could he look at this time as a restoration period, allowing himself to process things at his own pace and to give himself permission just to come to a calm state within and be ok with it ?
To do very little at times or just at his own pace . To look at getting things off his chest now as essential to healing.
Hi, sorry you are going through a tough time. It all sounds very familiar to me. I've been through a lot of what your husband has, including the losses, autism, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, suicidal thoughts etc. etc.
It certainly sounds like he is a great brother to his sister, and that he has indeed had a very hard job due to his particularities, but he has nonetheless taken care of everything.
I think it likely that he is burned out and everything has caught up as you say. It happened to me. I dont think he should be worried about telling his therapist about the suicidal thoughts. Many people have suicidal thoughts. I told my psychiatrist about it, and he said it was passive suicidal ideation. In his opinion I kept suicide at the back of my head as a kind of option, just in case I couldn't sort out all the other overwhelming stuff. The opposite of passive suicidal ideation is active ideation (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal_ideation.) My psychiatrist was not in the least phased about my discussing suicide with him, nor was two or 3 psychologists I've spoken to since then. The psychiatrist raised my antidepressants to 300mg of Effexor a day, which I thought was massive, but he said it could go even higher if necessary. I started on 75mg a few years ago, after a year it went to 150mg then directly to 300mg last year when things got really difficult for me to handle (autism diagnosis, loss of close family members, chronic illness, problems with children, etc.).
I am coming out of all of this now, feeling much better. Having a lot of therapy plus medication (effexor and alprazolam), plus openness with husband and kids have all helped me get here.You husband does not have to talk to his therapist about the suicidal thoughts - and he can wait until he has established that he trusts him and that they have a good rapport.
Good luck