Obligatory introduction post, difficulty with acceptance

Good evening. I've been a member here for a little while, but not exactly active - I originally joined to try and find out about referral and assessment pathways in my local area. I was diagnosed with Childhood Autism (also specified as ASD for the sake of not confusing people) about a year and a half ago, at the age of 23. I was in and out of psych services from the age of 4, but due to my academic achievement and parental/professional concerns about stigma I wasn't formally diagnosed before this point.

Accepting things has been quite difficult, as I have internalised the "you're normal! Everyone feels like this!" message, and so my inability to cope relative to other people has been 'my own fault', and because I'm 'not good enough'. I have frequently felt I don't deserve this diagnosis and thought about trying to get it removed - though I know, in principle, that this is a form of self-sabotage, and if I'm honest with myself I know that autism is really the only good explanation for my experiences.

I find the lack of post-diagnostic support very difficult to cope with, and feel tremendously isolated at times, as lots of my peers are very confident self-diagnosing, or else celebrate their diagnosis from the time they receive it and have no qualms accepting it as part of their identity, disclosing it, etc. I have not yet been able to utter the words "I am autistic"; only "I have been diagnosed with autism", to remove myself from the process - as though the process of diagnosis is fallible and potentially temporary (which of course, it is, but this doesn't mean it's always, or even usually, wrong).

I don't really know how to move forward from this point, but as I've felt alienated in most online autism-related communities I've tried to participate in so far, I thought I should try out a new place and see if it makes any difference!

Trainspotter over 8 years ago

Hi Jimmy
To just be diagnosed is a bit of a shock to the system as well as being a relief.
In my case it was a shock because I kept thinking what might have been in all those years in the wilderness, when I was treated like I was some sort of awkward nutter who was simply rebellious and didn't want to conform. I thought about all the job interviews I failed, all the years of unemployment I suffered, which I can now put down to being autistic.
But it was a relief in that the diagnosis offered an explanation as to who I was, that I was different to other people (how many times had I heard in the past 'Why do you think you are different to everyone else' relating to food, appearing not wanting to do things, and wanting to carry on with doing things my way - yes there were different ways of doing things, the ways that NTs do them (which are often extremely illogical) and my way (which makes far more sense!)
I am now far more at peace with myself than I was before my diagnosis. I embrace my autism, which in my case I see as being a special gift). I am at ease with telling others I am autistic. And I wouldn't change myself even if it was possible.
Autism defines who you are. You couldn't remove your autism and still be the same person. You will have your foibles like anyone else. But you also have your strengths. And these should be worked on and nurtured to make the most of yourself. I have said before it is society that disables us by putting us places we don't like being, making us do things we have no talent for and punishing us for being what we are. Left to myself, I function perfectly well.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Embrace your autism, be confident with it and don't worry about what other people are doing. You have the advantage of knowing why you function the way you do at still a very early age. Use this knowledge to help you.
And my very best wishes for you in the future