Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello people
I posted this same message on the aspergers and asd forum earlier today but I'm not sure anyone pays much attention to that one. I apologise in advance for what I have said below. I'm not sure if this is the right place for this but don't know what else to do. Please read the following message and let me know what you think.
I'm 49 and have been married for almost 4 years. My wife is diabetic and also partially disabled due to a neurological condition which affects the left hand side of her body. She has 16 year old twins (one of each) from a previous marriage and they became young carers and had to look after her when her when her previous husband left a few years ago. As you may already guess all of this can sometimes make things very difficult at home. I've not officially been told I have aspergers but previous to this relationship I lived by myself for years and became a bit of a loner. I developed what I thought at the time was a bit of OCD behaviour around the home, checking doors and windows on numerous occasions before going out.. In public I'm very shy and don't make eye contact easily. When in a crowded room I will not readily join into conversations and tend to sit off to the side and just listen in. If I do try and join in I'm more likely to try and talk about myself than add anything appropriate to the discussion. I can also be quite a clumsy person and can be quitter accident prone sometimes. From what I've read online these are just some of the symptoms typical in a person who has aspergers.
A year or so ago our marriage went through a very difficult period when I was texting another woman who I contacted online. I admit it was a stupid thing to do and to try and remedy things we went for counselling. Through some of the discussions we had it was suggested by the counsellor that I may have aspergers and should seek medical advice. So I went to my Doctor and talked to him about things and he sent a letter off to the relevant people. Nothing more was ever heard after this and I let things slip.
A couple of weeks ago my wife was having a diabetic hypo and she needed our help, I was slow to react and as a result her daughter stepped in to help, this led to a big fight in our house involving me, my wife and step-daughter which resulted in me having a major meltdown calling her daughter all sorts of bad names and struggling with her. My wife says that I also tried to attack her, but I don't remember it at all, she also says that I started stimming which is something I've done a lot when I'm under pressure at home. My wife says that most of this happens when she asks for help.
As a result of the latest incident the Social Work Dept got involved and I'm currently living away from home but see my wife on a regular basis. They are aware of my potential medical condition and suggested that I needed to seek more medical advice.. I attended another Doctor and told him my story. He has also sent a referral off and this time I'm hopeful it will get somewhere. I still love my wife and hate being away from her but until I can sort myself out we may have to resort to living apart.
I hope this all makes sense to everybody. It was quite difficult to piece this all together. Basically what I'm looking for is some advice in how to cope with things until I can get some proper medical advice and a diagnosis on whether I actually have aspergers or not. The bottom line is that most of the problems at home usually end up with me having a meltdown. I hate this and don't want this to happen again.
Hi again
I recall at my initial appoinment I did have someone in addition to the psychologist that went on to diagnose me. She want interested in any other services that might be available, mainly in connection with anxiety and depression. Things like talking therapies, e.g. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Reasonable Adjustments, Access to Work, etc. I did find talking to total strangers about myself quite an easy process. All of those can be hard work and ultimately it is you yourself (with wife's help) that will come up with the strategies that must work for you.
Being diagnosed on the autistic spectrum doesn't really change much about you and there is no reason to wait for confirmation before reading up on what you think applies. It is great that your wife is supportive. She will need to be understanding and both of you will need to look at what causes the family upsets (often a misunderstanding and the way you both react) and what small things you need to do to prevent or reduce those occasions. You probably have in you all you need to help yourself now. It can be hard for non-autistic people to understand because their ways of handling the same issues are not the way of autistic people.
Meltdowns are quite distressing for everyone and are certainly not intententional. When you have them it is probably a good idea to leave you be, to cool down, rather than confront it even more. Best not to create situations that make them happen, but that's easier said then done. Try telling your wife what you are feeling inside and what she must do to alleviate the issue (probably to back off and address the principle when you are both able - with some rules for engagement). If she's like mine she might not feel she should back away. The number of times that strategy has failed. We don't do 50:50 very well, but other versions of compromise can make for a peaceful time for everyone.
Our problems often arise because society is dominated by non-autistic ways and it still feels that it is the autistic person that needs to change to fit in. That is exactly what we find hard to do. It would make it so much easier if society changed first to reflect our needs.
Hope it goes well for you. Keep us posted on good progress.
Thanks for your mssage itsme,
Since I first posted on here I've been offered an appointment with the local Community Mental Health Services. I'm not sure if its an assessment to find out if I have aspergers or not but I will go along and see what happens. I'm a bit nervous about the initial appointment but I'm going to give it a go.
Despite our recent problems my wife is very supportive of me and it was probably getting pushed in the right direction by her which got me this appointment so quickly. It's less than a month since my initial visit to the GP. My wife and I have already had a very long chat about things and in some ways it will be a relief if I am diagnosed with aspergers or something similar because at least I will know whats causing me to have meltdowns and anger issues, and hopefully I will have some strategies how to cope with these problems. Sometimes I revert to stimming because at least I'm not hurting anyone else. Although if my wife or children have to see this it can be quite distressing for them to deal with this.
All the best to ou too
Hi capricorn23
Not sure how much my reply will help you. I was diagnosed a couple of years ago, but it took about 9 months from the GP referral to get there. You are identifying with familar traits, so what stops you from taking action on the assumption that you are autistic, whilst you go through the diagnosis procedure.
I wonder what you're wife's reaction was to the suggestion that you might have AS. If it was supportive then don't wait to explain how it affected you. Text her if that's easier for you before you can try and explain. Don't freeze. Plan what you think what you want to say.
I'm not familiar with what support services there may be out there for you. I rather think I'd be terrified of using them anyway. I think those of us diagnosed in later life, particularly when we have established a reasonably good life, just muddle on and stumble through the misunderstandings that we have with our partners as best we can. Of course, our partners have issues themselves, the biggest of which in my experience is an unwillingness/difficulty understanding why we are the way we are.
Friendship is very important to many with AS, but when you have a wife there will be boundaries. We just don't always know what they are. So, I suggest apologise and invite her to tell you about what she is feeling about your latest incident and what she wants of you. Think about the difficulties you may face with AS. If she isn't very receptive then your job will be the same, only harder, but you need her on your side to help you cope with the social difficulties that you face.
I hope others will join the discussion with their own advice to help you and that you get things better again with your wife.
All the best