Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi.
Let's start with the fact that I am not formally diagnosed and at this stage have no intention to be.
If that is an issue to people in this community, please say so.
On to my reason for being here...
I have wondered for a long time if I may be on the spectrum. However, I've honestly seen all labels as negative and so I never really acted on what I wondered. I recently labelled myself (with certainty) in another aspect of my life, and I've discovered what a benefit a supportive community of people with something in common can be. So I've been led to revisit this potential part of me. I know that it isn't possible for me to say that I am on the spectrum without formal diagnosis, so I'm not looking to claim this as a part of me, but I thought it might help me to join a community where people share some of my experiences, even if I don't have autism.
If that's ok?
My main reasons for thinking that I might, and I hope not to offend with these assumptions:
- I need routine. Anything that breaks my routine upsets me.
- I need my own space. A room for my belongings, cupboards and freezer drawers in the kitchen that are specifically mine. I can't share storage space with my husband without feeling stressed and uncomfortable.
- I need to plan. Spontaneous decisions cause me extreme stress. I need to prepare in detail fo everything, including attempting to plan social interaction to the word (not that life works out like that!). Phone conversations are particularly difficult, as are meetings, as they often put me on the spot too much.
- I have always found social situations extremely difficult. I didn't socialise at school and was known for being silent (and as a result was bullied). As well as needing to 'plan' social situations in my head, I find that when I'm communicating I repeat myself frequently and also jump in at inappropriate times and cut people off. I do recognise that I'm doing this as I notice the facial expressions of those that I'm talking to, so I'm not completely unaware, but I can't control this and I do often only become properly aware after the fact, when I replay the conversation in my head. Also, related to this, I tend to talk about myself too much and forget to ask questions of others/let them talk about themselves, even though I genuinely do care!
- A lot of saying the wrong thing and not understanding why it's the wrong thing, or realising after the fact.
Final info about me:
Married mum of one. Late 20s. Businessperson. Lover of photography.
EDITS:
Something else that may or may not be linked is that I have a very 'bouncy' walk. I didn't realise that this might be something to do with it, but I've now been browsing the forums a bit and this has come up a couple of times. I've always been embarrassed by my walking gait and people sometimes comment on it, but I didn't even think of this as linked.
Ditto, if it's linked, the feeling of being overwhelmed by tasks. I strive for perfection with things like cleaning, but I get overwhelmed trying to work out how to get there and I don't see a middleground, so I end up being unable to do anything. Again, something I've found on a thread or two.
Also how I can't deal with eye contact very well. Particularly in intense conversations where I need to look elsewhere - usually at a screen or, at my worst, hiding under a blanket.
Another addition...how I am unable to socialise for more than an hour or two without becoming uncomfortable. If I visit a friend's house, I tend to start to feel a twitchy need to leave after a couple of hours even if I'm technically 'having a good time'.
Thank you.
I have no need for a formal diagnosis. There's nothing I want from it and I believe that if I am on the spectrum, I've learned how to get by in life just fine. Conversations don't always go smoothly and I don't find socialising the easiest, but I do manage and I'm thankful that we have so much online communication now - I rarely need to use a phone! If anything, all a diagnosis would give me would be the confidence to mention this to someone else as a 'reason' for my behaviour, which would be helpful perhaps but isn't a valid reason for going through that process.
Already I've found this community helpful for showing me some other things that may be linked (the edit), and also for a few tips and coping strategies that I've found valuable. Not only that, but also confirming in my head that I might be on the spectrum is already helping my confidence - I've always come away from awkward conversations thinking "I'm weird. They thought I was weird" and "Something's not right", but after a bit of awkwardness yesterday I walked away thinking "it's ok - if this is Asperger's then there's nothing wrong with how that went". It sort of put the issue on to them, rather than me - "this is who I am and there's a reason for it".