parent of a 21 year old with Asperges and ADHD

Hi

My AS son, aged 23, lies frequently and I also find this very difficult to put up with and to understand. My son is currently functioning very well in most respects but he had to leave university as he didn't do the required work or attend the required exams, while telling me on numerous occasions that he had written the essays, and had attedned the exams.

There have been dozens and dozens of other examples over the years. I think it is a) avoiding immediate stress, even if  it causes more subsequently, and b) (relatedly) the theory of mind thing, ie not apprecitating the consequences of actions /not thinking about or understanding the impact of his actions for others or current actions for his future. We just keep on working on it, but it is exhausting.

1) We try to avoid putting him on the spot, as it were, whenever i can. Work on building a supportive relationship while also being very clear and firm about agreeing 'ground rules'. We want to help. We don't judge him, etc. It's him and us together facing the world. not him being persecuted by us and our expectations/demands/aspirations for him.  We are aslo sometimes explicit about our feelings/ consequences of his actions for us: e.g. feeling let down, feeling exhausted, feeling we can't trust what he says, worrying that this will have a detrimental affect how others see him, potential for serious adverse consequnces.

2) With important things, we agree with him in am emotionally nuetral but clear and explicit way, that we need evidence of whether expectations/agreed actions have been done (rather than his word). This is not infallible, as he goes to some lengths to create duplicitous evidence. He is bright and creative and an amazing deceiver. (So much for people on the spectrum always tell the truth!)

Sorry it's so tough for you.

Hi

My AS son, aged 23, lies frequently and I also find this very difficult to put up with and to understand. My son is currently functioning very well in most respects but he had to leave university as he didn't do the required work or attend the required exams, while telling me on numerous occasions that he had written the essays, and had attedned the exams.

There have been dozens and dozens of other examples over the years. I think it is a) avoiding immediate stress, even if  it causes more subsequently, and b) (relatedly) the theory of mind thing, ie not apprecitating the consequences of actions /not thinking about or understanding the impact of his actions for others or current actions for his future. We just keep on working on it, but it is exhausting.

1) We try to avoid putting him on the spot, as it were, whenever i can. Work on building a supportive relationship while also being very clear and firm about agreeing 'ground rules'. We want to help. We don't judge him, etc. It's him and us together facing the world. not him being persecuted by us and our expectations/demands/aspirations for him.  We are aslo sometimes explicit about our feelings/ consequences of his actions for us: e.g. feeling let down, feeling exhausted, feeling we can't trust what he says, worrying that this will have a detrimental affect how others see him, potential for serious adverse consequnces.

2) With important things, we agree with him in am emotionally nuetral but clear and explicit way, that we need evidence of whether expectations/agreed actions have been done (rather than his word). This is not infallible, as he goes to some lengths to create duplicitous evidence. He is bright and creative and an amazing deceiver. (So much for people on the spectrum always tell the truth!)

Sorry it's so tough for you.