Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi guys. Bare with me as not used to all this
I am the mother of a 16 year old son who was diagnosed at 7 with aspergers syndrome. He goes to a school specifically for autistic children and to be fair doing fantastic. He does not live with me as he has lived with his grandfather since he was 2 years old.
Reason I joined is because I have some concerns of myself. I have struggled all my life with making friends, keeping friends, allowing people I thought were my friends take advantage of me and I have always wondered why no matter where I am or go I struggle to make friends, I never approach anyone first, still don't to this day but when I finally do seem to make friends eventually something always goes sour.
I struggle to know what conversations are right, I maybe talk about the wrong things, things that maybe a best friend from all your life might find ok but someone you hardly know, But I do it to try make conversation as I struggle to make small talk. I come across rude if I try to make small chat with anyone.
Maybe I read things wrong but I get the impression in jobs many people avoid conversations with me. I work in a bar and I have no issues serving customers, brushing off unwanted remarks, etc but I struggle with small talk even then.
Don't get me wrong I want friends but feel I do something to cause issues. which of course makes me avoid making friends but that can get very lonely.
And then there is stupid things that make me feel nervous. I can not open cava bottles at work the pressure scares me and the pop sound freaks me out, same as balloons being popped I seriously get so scared I shake if someone does it near me I often have my fingers in my ears if colleagues have to pop them after a function at work. Sudden noises I wasnt expecting make me jump and then I am on edge. I get such a nervous stomache going new places I rarely do it alone. I have in the past suffered severe agoraphobia I never left the house during one of my pregnancys and my midwife came to my house to do checks and blood tests and a support worker took me to scans. I even had a private room when I gave birth because it was so bad.
If I can not feel in control of something and it is the unknown I am not comfortable. My GP diagnosed deppression 2 year ago stuck me on anti Ds and that was that. I took one was extremely sensitive to it I was collapsed on the bathroom floor and next day I called GP and they brushed it off said I was being silly and I have not seen anyone since.
I actually feel at a loss but the more I have researched for my son the more I think could some factors also be me. I have been with my fiance 9 years and still feel socially awkward round him I try to push him away like I have done all other relationships in the past.
I cant talk to anyone about it I have no one I am close to. My partner would say I am dramatising everything and my father would only look at how my son is and tell me I am nothing like him so I am again dramatising something as he is right there is many differences between me and my son. Maybe they would be right.
Sorry for the long winded what was meant to be a greeting and just blurting it all out I kind of wrote as things came into my mind. I really am at a loss of what I should to, where to turn or just to carry on as I am.