figuring out who i am

Congratulations on your diagnosis. Take your time and let the information settle in. It will be a while before you begin to see how everything fits together as neurodiversity is different for everyone. It's been a couple of years since I was diagnosed and I'm only really just starting to change what I need to.

Behaviour wise, I finally understand why travel, loud places and changes to my food and sleep routeen could leave me utterly wrecked for several days. I can manage change, but I need way more down time afterwards to recover and get back to a state of normal. I've also learned about neurodivergent burnout and the importance of self care.

It's not easy to tell people about this, so let yourself come to terms with it first. Learn about it and what it means so you have the words to explain it. Frequently, saying "I'm autistic" doesn't cover the whole story and can lead to questions like: "So you can calculate stuff really fast?" Which isn't accurate. Finding the words first can be helpful and gives you the chance to get used to the idea which can reduce the anxiety.

In terms of telling my friends and family, I can offer a couple of tips from my experience. The first is be aware that the older people in your life may not be keen on you telling anyone. It's still within living memory that being diagnosed with autism meant you would not be able to have a job, that you couldn't hope for a stable life, etc. When I told my parents, they were desperate for me to not tell anyone, least of all workplaces, that I am autistic. They were sure I would never have a job again and would suffer. They actually told me to keep masking. Even though the masking had lead to such bad burnout that I couldn't function for 6 months. I had to explain that under the Equalities Act, no workplace could behave like that. In fact, most places want to know up front if you need help and I have no problem telling them that I'm neurodiverse. Any place that won't hire because I have these traits isn't a place I want to work for anyway.

We're better now, but it's taken me a few tries to explain what the situation is because they haven't had any awareness of neurodiversity as anything other than a very bad thing for the person who has it. But when I got a much better job than the one I ended up burnt out from and moved forward with my life, they started to relax. They're learning now. Although my father is still adamant that he is in no way autistic as he insists that the washing and iron have be done a certain way and we don't do it right. But that could be because of his prized football shirt collection. ;)

I think the biggest challenge for me when I was diagnosed and told my friends and family, was getting them to understand I wasn't going to be a people pleaser any more. Or at least reduce how much time and energy I had to give. Before I was diagnosed, if someone I cared for needed something, I was there. It didn't matter how tired I was or how badly I wanted to rest, it didn't matter if my feelings were hurt by what they needed me to do, I helped or did what they wanted to do. An example would be how one of my friends always wanted to go shopping in large shopping centres on Saturdays. I'm the only person she knows who has a car and she didn't want to carry her items back on the train. I get overstimulated in such places, I know that now. After my diagnosis, I explained to her that I wanted to tone down the shopping and do other things, but my suggestions for activities were viewed as dull or not much fun. She can't go out much during the week so I do understand why she suggested shopping and I enjoy shopping when I have the energy to go. But it still took her a very long time to stop trying to get me to go shopping with her when I'd explained that I needed down time. She used the activity as a means to tempt me into going even when I was so tired I felt unwell. Now we'll do things like read or craft at one of our homes and she loves it. She's enjoying the quiet, simple pleasures of just spending time doing small things we love and asks for that more than anything else.

You may find that people you know expect you to stay the same and in some ways, you will. But one thing the diagnosis gives you is the chance to learn about who you are. As you learn to care for yourself and stop trying to imitate a neurotypical, you'll change and that can leave people confused when you were always willing to do things before. The ones who care will stick with you and you can find new things to do and rediscover old joys. Good luck.

Congratulations on your diagnosis. Take your time and let the information settle in. It will be a while before you begin to see how everything fits together as neurodiversity is different for everyone. It's been a couple of years since I was diagnosed and I'm only really just starting to change what I need to.

Behaviour wise, I finally understand why travel, loud places and changes to my food and sleep routeen could leave me utterly wrecked for several days. I can manage change, but I need way more down time afterwards to recover and get back to a state of normal. I've also learned about neurodivergent burnout and the importance of self care.

It's not easy to tell people about this, so let yourself come to terms with it first. Learn about it and what it means so you have the words to explain it. Frequently, saying "I'm autistic" doesn't cover the whole story and can lead to questions like: "So you can calculate stuff really fast?" Which isn't accurate. Finding the words first can be helpful and gives you the chance to get used to the idea which can reduce the anxiety.

In terms of telling my friends and family, I can offer a couple of tips from my experience. The first is be aware that the older people in your life may not be keen on you telling anyone. It's still within living memory that being diagnosed with autism meant you would not be able to have a job, that you couldn't hope for a stable life, etc. When I told my parents, they were desperate for me to not tell anyone, least of all workplaces, that I am autistic. They were sure I would never have a job again and would suffer. They actually told me to keep masking. Even though the masking had lead to such bad burnout that I couldn't function for 6 months. I had to explain that under the Equalities Act, no workplace could behave like that. In fact, most places want to know up front if you need help and I have no problem telling them that I'm neurodiverse. Any place that won't hire because I have these traits isn't a place I want to work for anyway.

We're better now, but it's taken me a few tries to explain what the situation is because they haven't had any awareness of neurodiversity as anything other than a very bad thing for the person who has it. But when I got a much better job than the one I ended up burnt out from and moved forward with my life, they started to relax. They're learning now. Although my father is still adamant that he is in no way autistic as he insists that the washing and iron have be done a certain way and we don't do it right. But that could be because of his prized football shirt collection. ;)

I think the biggest challenge for me when I was diagnosed and told my friends and family, was getting them to understand I wasn't going to be a people pleaser any more. Or at least reduce how much time and energy I had to give. Before I was diagnosed, if someone I cared for needed something, I was there. It didn't matter how tired I was or how badly I wanted to rest, it didn't matter if my feelings were hurt by what they needed me to do, I helped or did what they wanted to do. An example would be how one of my friends always wanted to go shopping in large shopping centres on Saturdays. I'm the only person she knows who has a car and she didn't want to carry her items back on the train. I get overstimulated in such places, I know that now. After my diagnosis, I explained to her that I wanted to tone down the shopping and do other things, but my suggestions for activities were viewed as dull or not much fun. She can't go out much during the week so I do understand why she suggested shopping and I enjoy shopping when I have the energy to go. But it still took her a very long time to stop trying to get me to go shopping with her when I'd explained that I needed down time. She used the activity as a means to tempt me into going even when I was so tired I felt unwell. Now we'll do things like read or craft at one of our homes and she loves it. She's enjoying the quiet, simple pleasures of just spending time doing small things we love and asks for that more than anything else.

You may find that people you know expect you to stay the same and in some ways, you will. But one thing the diagnosis gives you is the chance to learn about who you are. As you learn to care for yourself and stop trying to imitate a neurotypical, you'll change and that can leave people confused when you were always willing to do things before. The ones who care will stick with you and you can find new things to do and rediscover old joys. Good luck.