Hi.
(Trigger warning, possibly)
I will try to keep it brief, but basically I have suddenly at 51, had a revelation about neurodivergence and how it maps to my life.
Lost all different friend groups by age 21.
Always worked from leaving school, in my dad's profession
Had to stop work at 21 after attempted suicide
was bullied at primary school by teachers and students for being overweight, was bullied in high school by students for being overweight and one teacher told my parents I was "slow", I was bullied at work for being stupid.
8 months on psych ward during 2 separate stays
Joined mensa
got into cambridge and left during day 3 of freshers week due to low confidence/imposter syndrome/call it what you will
haven't worked since, gained loads of weight (lost it 4 times etc)
no normal adult life milestones, essentially, I have lived indoors for my adult life barring brief periods such as education etc
failed relationships, and current on/off gf has vast experience of adhd/audhd as she had to fight and fight for help over a decade while no one beleived her or recognised her whole fight etc etc...she is convinced i am adhd but she herself says she understands adhd way more than autism.
Long history of multiple hobbies and interests, fish keeping, wildcamping/hiking (too unfit but acquired all the "gear") rc tamiya trucks customised with extra parts lighting and sounds etc etc etc
in conjunction with that, I cant seem to DO anything, procrastination, waiting mode? are massive, I can and have had projects on the table for multiple years, let alone weeks or months just waiting for me to feel able to start.
Every essay I handed in at uni was written during the night before it was due to be handed in...further procrastination type issue?
huge issues with my actual emotional internal; state and the emotional state that people seem to perceive...I can be very snappy but it is always taken as intentional hostility but its panic at losing thoughts, exhaustion, self protection/defense its weird but its never THEM its always either literally nothing or its my own internal fears or something.
I scored 6 on aq 10
30 on aq50
and 113 / 175 on the cat q
I am second guessing these scores as because they are borderline I am scared I will score less, or score more, or i misunderstood the question and would score differently if someone explained the full context etc
Basically, my life is and has been a dustbin fire
I am absolutely convinced looking back and learning the language slowly to understand how it may look in a persons life that I am autistic, however with the tension between desiring routine and my life being chaos i am wondering if AuDHD or some other issue.
I also have a history of not seeking help...and not getting much if I do (at 51, and having been known to psychiatric services since 21, I am pretty shocked no one has ever mentioned ND issues in any way, at all.
With all that general vague overview, would it be justified for me seeking an official diagnosis? I am especially conscious at the moment of the national discourse on these diagnoses and feel that i shouldn't be using up resources am not worth it etc etc which I do struggle with regards asking for help at the best of times...both biceps torn 12 month apart, I never went to gp for help...ditto mental health struggles over the years etc etc
Does it all seem justified to you to pursue diagnosis?
Thank you for time in reading this far.
