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Just Diagnosed - not sure what I expected

ryuzappy

Hello,

I got my diagnosis approx 2 hours ago, after waiting for about 3 years on the referral list. I knew that there would probably be a lot to deal with emotionally, but most of the things I was told to expect were about feeling relieved, like everything suddenly made sense, etc. I guess there is some of that, but there's also this deep sadness and maybe even resentment.

For context, I'm 32. I first started experiencing depression in my early/mid teens, but wasn't in a supportive environment so it was entirely unaddressed until my early twenties. I first brought up curiosity about an autism diagnosis when I was perhaps 25 or so, but the doctor at the time told me not to pursue it because I 'don't want that kind of label'. I ended up on antidepressants for about five years which I stopped some time last year, but I'm currently kind of concerned about them having sort of fried my brain a bit (I don't know if I feel things like I used to). It doesn't really help that I carry a lot of internalised stigma that I'm trying to undo.

I know this is a support community so I'm not expecting any medical or psychological input, but I guess I'm hoping I'm not entirely alone with these 'resentful' feelings, or feeling like I wasted 15+ years when I could have had answers, or if the paths I took to solve a problem only made it worse because it was solving the wrong problem, especially with the whole 'if only someone had actually listened to me' sort of thoughts that are swirling right now. Did anyone else feel this way, and how did you get over it or deal with it? Is it common?

Sorry if this is a lot, and thank you for any input.

Thanks

Parents

  • Hi and welcome, I was diagnosed last year at the age of 57, I felt and often feel a sense of loss, all the ‘what if’s’’. Many of us are treated for depression, many autistic people do suffer from depression. I find it’s sometimes a feeling of total numbness. The processing of a diagnosis can send us down many “rabbit holes”. I find myself actually mourning the person I think I could have been, that child who struggled and learnt how to blend in unnoticed. I do get angry with myself for not realising I’m autistic and all the situations that could have gone better. I actually felt my life had been fake.

    I just take each day as it comes, I make often small adjustments that make life more manageable. I felt a bit of euphoria after the diagnosis, it soon disappeared. Don’t worry too much about other people concerning telling them, some will never get it. 
    I’ve arrived at the conclusion that I was born with autism, I didn’t ask, it’s not my fault and I will just try  to make the best of it. It was mentioned at my assessment that I had built my world around my needs, I work alone all day and that’s not being antisocial, it’s an environment that doesn’t overwhelm me.

    Things will get better.

Reply

  • Hi and welcome, I was diagnosed last year at the age of 57, I felt and often feel a sense of loss, all the ‘what if’s’’. Many of us are treated for depression, many autistic people do suffer from depression. I find it’s sometimes a feeling of total numbness. The processing of a diagnosis can send us down many “rabbit holes”. I find myself actually mourning the person I think I could have been, that child who struggled and learnt how to blend in unnoticed. I do get angry with myself for not realising I’m autistic and all the situations that could have gone better. I actually felt my life had been fake.

    I just take each day as it comes, I make often small adjustments that make life more manageable. I felt a bit of euphoria after the diagnosis, it soon disappeared. Don’t worry too much about other people concerning telling them, some will never get it. 
    I’ve arrived at the conclusion that I was born with autism, I didn’t ask, it’s not my fault and I will just try  to make the best of it. It was mentioned at my assessment that I had built my world around my needs, I work alone all day and that’s not being antisocial, it’s an environment that doesn’t overwhelm me.

    Things will get better.

Children
  • in reply to Roy

    Thank you for taking the time to respond. I think that sense of mourning is sort of what I feel at the moment. I know it will take time. It is good to know that I'm not necessarily alone in these feelings, which I've of course been told, but it's good to hear directly. I think that acceptance is good and certainly something I need to work towards. It was easy to joke about when it was only a 'maybe'. Now it's confirmed, it suddenly seems a lot harder to laugh about. Hopefully I'll be able to see some humour again when the initial adjustment is done.