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Social Motivation

Alexander1976
  1. Hi, I'm Alexander, late diagnosed autistic (and adhd combined - its interesting lol). 
  2. As I approach 50 years old I've reflected, in depth obviously lol, on social motivation. I have always been socially motivated. What do I mean by this ? I have always had a strong desire to have friends , and belong to a social group. Unfortunately, my hardware, and software, aren't really set up for it. This means I get a burst of energy (thanks adhd) to start doing something socially. I meet people, start making friendships/friendly acquaintances. This often lasts for maybe a year to 2 years. Then something happens and it all goes wrong. Attempting to work it out, fox it, rationalise it, becomes extremely challenging & exhausting. So I just drift away and lost contact with the people. I then go through a social burnout period that can last as long as the time engaging with others. 
  3. Does this gel with any off you ? What can we do about it ? Or is it just about managing expectations? 
Parents

  • There are various reasons why things go wrong for me:
    (1) I fail to maintain interest in friend's families/lives and just don't keep up the birthday/Christmas cards and 'touching base' small talk contacts.
    (2) something big happens in my life and I can't attend to other things for a few months or year or more. 
    (3) I rely a lot on other people initiating conversations and talking but sometimes I become exhausted by that.

    I really must find a group with common interests, yet most common 'interests' don't interest me at all. Then, there is that hurdle of jumping from meeting within such a group to meeting alone; I probably either move too early (ADHD impatience) or too late (autism caution). And the horror of finding you might have made a mistake.

    Funnily, I do have one close friend who began as a 'this is a mistake' when I finally met them (we got to know each other online). We didn't get together again for a few years and then became good friends. The sort where I can not see them for months and they won't resent it because they have busy lives.

  • in reply to Alexa

    I don't have ADHD, but I struggle with friendships for the same reasons as Alexa, especially withthe interests bit and the not keeping up with their family's and stuff like that.

    I have the added complications, of not drinking alcohol, being vegetarian and having loads of food allergies too.

    I also find people smell, perfumes and laundry products, that catch my throat and make me wheeze.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    It's the small talk for me, and the relational.politics.

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