First of all, I'm glad to be here! I've been looking for a more UK-focused forum since we'll have similar experiences in regards to diagnoses, support and general life struggles. I'm based in Scotland.
I was diagnosed back when I was 4 and was a few months away from starting primary school. I had severe behavioural issues and didn't really mix at all with other kids. They didn't want me to attend regular school and suggested that I go to a school for children with special needs. My folks were in denial of course and had the whole "there's nothing wrong with my boy" attitude, so they refused and I went on to attend mainstream school.
Naturally the issues only worsened as I got older and the school tried to support me with the limited resources that they had. I'd get time out of classes to see a psychologist regularly and also underwent speech and language therapy to help with my mispronunciation of words. I thought I was being pulled out of class simply for 'bad behaviour', not realising that I was being seen by child psychologists and the community autism team. The diagnosis was hidden from me and the subsequent support I was getting I always just assumed was because I was a badly behaved kid. I knew something was off in regards to the way I interacted with others. I wouldn't catch on to jokes very well and would accidentally say offensive things and not realise it, which led to hurt feelings, fights etc.
Going into my teenage years, things had started to improve a bit on the social side, even though my behavioural issues remained. I realise on reflection that I had subconsciously been picking up how to mask so I'd fit in better. My interests that I had when I was alone differed greatly from the interests I pretended to care about when I was with others. Instead of always just getting into fights like I did previously, I'd sort of become a class clown figure since I was desperate to be liked and fit in. I was an introvert who was overcompensating to get that validation and not feel like an outcast. It landed me in a lot of hot water and was lucky to not get expelled on several occasions.
I had a spell of a few years in my late teens when things were generally not bad. I had friends, I'd had the odd relationship and even though they were short lived, I didn't think anything was too out of the ordinary in that department. I struggled massively with the transition into adulthood. After finishing college, I struggled to keep jobs. I'd severely burnout, lash out and get fired, or I'd quit because I couldn't take it. I became more of a recluse and started to get severe anxiety when faced with any social situation. I wrongly used alcohol to try and negate that, which of course only makes things worse in the long run. Initially, it was just put down to generalised anxiety and depression, but after trying several medications with no improvement, I'd given up and lost faith in any sort of treatment being able to help.
Around age 23 I was moving into my own place and was getting my stuff together. I'd come across a bunch of old report cards from primary school and remember seeing the words "(my name) is being seen by the community autism team" and it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Everything suddenly made sense. I did my research and it ticked so many boxes. I'd been confused for so long, wondering what was wrong with me. Was I defective? I confronted my Mum who came clean about the diagnosis and we came across some other documents and reports on me which were eye opening. I spent years trying to get more answers. My GP didn't have my medical records from back when I was initially diagnosed and I had no answer as to why the support I was getting was stopped as I got older. I had "slipped through the cracks" I was told. I was very frustrated because there was a lot of what ifs for me. Would I have been in a better position in life if I had that ongoing support and had been told about my diagnosis so I could better understand and deal with it?
Fast forward to today and I'm in an okay place overall. I've learned to live with it and understand my limitations. We've made great strides as a society to understand autism better, even though I feel a lot more can be done. I still have daily struggles and a lot of ups and downs. The biggest hurdle is trying to get people to understand what I go through and why I behave the way I do at times. I have periods of stability, then periods when I get burned out and withdraw. It's one of those things that people will never understand unless they've lived it for themselves. It's cost me friendships/relationships over the years. I feel if they could live a day in the life, they'd realise what it's like and maybe I'd still have those people in my life.
Apologies for the novel! I just wanted to share my experience in the hope that people can relate to it in some way.
I hope you all have a great week!
