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Struggling to cope

Brutus

Hi, I am new here. My 17 yr old daughter was diagnosed with autism earlier this year after years of very challenging times, bullying and self harm. She spends most of her time in her room or with me. I told my Mum and family about her being autistic a few weeks ago and they completely dismiss it saying she is just very shy and will be fine when she gets a boyfriend and will grow out of it (she’s gay). My Brother has not even responded to me (I emailed him because he lives away). My Mum makes jokes about it saying I just get obsessed about things and this is just me being too analytical. 
I have no- one to talk to about my worries about my daughter. My husband is disabled and I work full time. If I tell e.g a work colleague I am worried about my daughter they just say stuff like “Oh, everyone is on the spectrum” and “she”ll be ok” ( they have never met her). 
My daughter won’t accept any help other than from me (she has been badly let down in the past e.g from teachers and doctors). 
I am not sure how to help my daughter and I am not coping myself. 

  • in reply to Suzanne Mod

    Thank you, I will look into those topics. I admit I am very low at the moment but would not harm myself because I need to help my daughter. 
    thank you. 

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you. I am working on understanding autism more and I am doing what I can to help my daughter. She is incredibly anxious socially and won’t have counselling but I am thinking of counselling for myself so that I can help her. She and I are very close and have a good relationship. 
    I am going to try NOT to expect support from my family (although this is extraordinarily painful) but aim to find support elsewhere. 
    I agree that I may well be autistic ( the assessor for my daughter also said there is a high chance I am). 
    I find it interesting and annoying that so many people make assumptions about autism and talk as if they are experts when they clearly know very little.

    Thank you for your support.

  • Hi Brutus, 


    I'm so sorry to hear that you and your daughter are struggling to cope right now.

    The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. If you’re finding it hard to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help. If you feel you [or anyone else] is at risk of immediate harm, dial 999 or contact one of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help.  

    If it’s not an emergency but you’re still struggling, speaking to a health professional can help. If your GP is closed, you can call 111 for NHS support. In England, Wales and Scotland, you can now choose option 2 to speak directly with mental health professionals: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/.  

    Other free, confidential support includes: 

    • Samaritans – Call 116 123, 24 hours a day 
    • SANEline – 0300 304 7000 (4.30-10.30pm daily)  
    • Shout – Text 85258, 24 hours a day 
    • Mind Infoline – 0300 123 3393 (Mon–Fri, 9am-6pm)  

    You may also find our Parent to Parent service useful you can access this here:  Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline.

    You may also find our diagnosis information useful:

    How will I feel after receiving an autism diagnosis

    Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis

    Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis

    Formal support following an autism diagnosis

    What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

    I hope this information is useful.


    Take care,
    Suzanne Mod

  • Brutus said:
    I am not sure how to help my daughter and I am not coping myself.

    I am sorry you find yourself in this situation but it is a common one in my experience.

    For getting help it sounds like family are only going to make it worse so I would get a professional to help, one trained for such things.

    Getting a psychotherapist who has experience in helping other autists is where I would start as they have the training in the issues you describe and one with experience of autists should know how to connect and help us develop ways of coping better with the things we struggle with.

    I found it tremendously helpful and learned lots of ways of adapting to live a much healthier life.

    I would also recommend learning more about autism for 2 reasons - the first is that it helps you understand and communicate better with your daughter about the experiences and challenges she is living with. Often just understanding and listening to them helps so much.

    The second reason may ba a bit difficult to consider, but autism is highly genetic so there is a significant chance that one (or both) parents also have autism or another neurodivergent condition. It is not always as obvious due to the spectrum nature of neurodivergence but when you start to read more about it you may spot the traits in yourself or the other parent and it may offer advice in how to cope better with the issues caused by this.

    Knowledge being power and all that.

    Don't let other ignorant people frustrate you, this is unfortunately all too common but it is slowly changing and you can be the difference to help your daughter first and if you decide to can start to spread positive information to the ignorant over time.