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Welcome to my Implosion

Curtinparloe

Hello everyone, I've just joined, and thought of share how I've made a big mess of my life. 

Things were going okay for a while. I got married, got a new job, and then we moved house. That's been a nightmare and my wife hates the new place. I've been struggling at home and work over the past 7-8 months, and looking back it seems to be down to burnout. 

I had a couple of issues at work and was put on informal improvement review. About that time I suspected my neurodiversity and reached out to my GP. That was my first mistake, as I didn't consult my wife about it first and she was furious.

Now I'm on stage 2 of a formal improvement plan, as working my fingers to the bone isn't enough for my line manager, whose main criticism seems to be my communication. 

My wife thinks I've read about autism on the internet and now I'm just acting like it by using buzzwords like masking, because the man she married wasn't autistic, and she doesn't want this. Any time I try to take initiative in the household I'm doing it wrong, and any time I don't I'm being lazy.

We've just had another blazing row where she doesn't want to hear anything about autism, or anything I say, to be honest. Whenever I try to talk to her she accuses me of gaslighting

What the hell do I do? I feel like seeking an autism diagnosis has ruined my life.

  • in reply to Nicola Mod

    Thanks very much, I'll take a look through.

  • Hi Curtinparloe and welcome to the online community.  I'm really sorry to hear of all the difficulties you're going through, it sounds really hard, but I'm glad you've been reaching out for support, both to your GP and to us here.

    You may like to discuss autism more generally with your wife, as well as what signs you saw in yourself that led you to start seeking a diagnosis.  NAS has some information here that may be helpful to you:

    About Autism

    Signs that someone may be autistic

    Guide for partners of autistic people

    We also have a page on what you can do while waiting for an autism assessment, including support you can access while waiting, for example in employment.

    Since you mention having trouble at work as well, you may like to have a look at this page: What can I do if I'm having trouble at work?

    I hope this information is helpful to you, and wish you the best of luck.  Please do get back in touch and let us know how things progress, if you'd like.

  • in reply to Curtinparloe

    Me too as it stands now. I can't work. Without it causing burnout egen during booked time off leading to further anxiety and further executive dysfunction

  • in reply to Quiltingspace

    Thanks, not much has changed to be honest, my wife keeps saying it's been my choice to decide I'm autistic and tells me that if I'd said I had autism when we met then we'd have never got together. She also accuses me of withholding it until we were married.

  • in reply to Thpsguy

    I'm also awaiting a diagnosis, and like you I'm not sure it'll help anything. At least we'll know, I guess?

    Hope your struggles erase.

  • See my experience was the opposite I would shut down anyone who mentioned autisim but being around other autistic people I realised it explained a lot of my struggles but I'm still awaiting diagnosis and I I'm still unsure if that diagnosis. Will help my struggles 

  • in reply to Curtinparloe

    They are thankyou, my husband tries very hard to take the time to understand me and i have to accept that no one else will ever see things quite the way i do, so understanding on my part is needed.

    You messaged originally quite a few hours ago, i hope things in your world have settled a little.

  • in reply to Quiltingspace

    Thanks for the reply, it's good to know there are other people in similar situations. 

    I hope things are improving for you.

  • Hello curtinparloe.

    Many people here word things well, i find i cannot so please forgive me.

    I was self diagnosed at the age of 50, the doctors agreed but that didnt seem to make everything better, i had one failed marriage behind me and seemed to be doing everything possible to finish off this one but i felt i'd spent my whole life searching for the key to understand why nothing I ever did was good enough. 

    Life isn't easy when you realise autism is the key, ive found many people don't want to know and my sister for one just sees it as me trying to get attention again and making a fuss like normal. Ive never been understod so many relationships are hard going.

    Work is difficult when you're autistic I frequently came across badly, communication is hard when you can't seem to follow the rules others seem to manage without any trouble even though you try so hard.

    I can't comment on your marriage but i don't think seeking a diagnosis is a bad thing, it may have bought issues to the surface but that does allow you to start to understand yourself and hopfully find ways to deal with how your life is.

    Please be kind to yourself, i can't give you any answers i'm sorry to say but i've replied because I can relate to much of what you say and i'm sure you're a kind person just trying to negotiate this hard world to the best of your ability.

    This site in my opinion is a great place to find support and where you quickly realise you're not alone, people are kind here.

    I hope you find some comfort. Best wishes.