Hi I am Fiona. I was finally diagnosed as Autistic 2 weeks ago at the age of 62. I have three adult children, my eldest son was diagnosed with Aspergers at 17. When my second son was 40 he asked me if I thought he may be autistic. I immediately said no, of course not, you are just like me!
Most of his assessment was spent talking to me. As the assessment progressed I became aware that all of the questions the lady was asking, and all the answers I was giving about my son, also applied to me.
I have always struggled with friendships, relationships, working environments that involved teams or groups of people. I work better alone.
I have been diagnosed over the years with depression, anxiety, panic attacks etc and have at times been prescribed some pretty nasty medication which made no difference to how I felt but came with horrible side effects.
Over my lifetime I have also spoken to psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists, many GPs and various other so called 'health professionals' and not one of them picked up autism. It's so much easier to write a prescription. I am really struggling with that at the moment. So many times I asked for help, sometimes from an extremely dark place, and every time the only answer was to medicate me into a zombie.
Another thing I am currently struggling with in light of this diagnosis is that levels of autism are no longer used. The team who diagnosed me were lovely and explained that levels are about support needs, and that due to masking, someone may appear to have lower needs when their needs are actually greater than they appear to be. I accept and understand that. It's actually quite reassuring given my personal experience, but I am currently rethinking my whole life and searching for my 'tribe'.
The realisation of all the ways in which I have been abused, sidelined, ridiculed, and called all sorts of names over my lifetime — weird being the least offensive — has left me feeling embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated and very alone. These days I am an expert at cutting people off when I feel disrespected in any way, but making new friends is so hard.
When I look at local support groups I see people at all levels of autism. I am struggling to see myself in them. It appears to be a 'one size fits all' kind of experience. I mean no disrespect to anyone when I say this, but at this point in time I feel like I need time to process this, to reframe 62 years, to rethink my whole life and how I move forwards. The idea of joining a group of people with much higher support needs than my own feels desperately upsetting to me.
I don't know yet how to feel about all of this. But I'd rather sit with that honestly than pretend I've got it figured out. I'm not looking for reassurance — I'm looking for people who understand what it's like to find your tribe at 62, after a lifetime of being told you didn't belong to any.
