Hello everyone,
My name is Tezzy. I can’t remember if I’ve introduced myself before, but it’s been long enough that I thought I’d say hello again.
I’m 42 years old and was diagnosed with autism at the start of this year. I already knew I was neurodivergent, having been diagnosed with ADHD a few years earlier, as well as dyslexia and OCD. But I never, for a second, thought I was autistic.
Ironically, it was spending more time around autistic people that eventually led me to get assessed.
I remember saying to my partner one day, “I wonder if I might be autistic.” They looked at me in complete disbelief and said something along the lines of, “Tezzy… of course you’re autistic. Just go and get assessed!”
To them, and, as it turned out, to many of the people around me, it seemed so obvious that they almost saw the assessment as a formality. I still wasn’t convinced myself, but hearing that reaction from people I trusted made me realise it was something I should genuinely look into. So I booked an assessment to find out one way or the other.
One of the hardest parts has been discovering that everyone else seemed to know before I did. Whenever I’ve told people about my diagnosis, it’s been a huge moment for me, only for them to say, “Oh yeah, we already knew.” I know they were trying to be supportive, but I found it surprisingly upsetting. It felt like I’d been walking around with a sign on my back that everyone else could read, but I couldn’t.
I’m slowly coming to understand that I really am autistic, but it’s still taking time. I grew up in Liverpool and learned to communicate in a very friendly, outgoing way. I also worked in a public-facing job where I became very good at masking. Looking back, I think I became so used to performing socially that I lost sight of what felt natural to me.
The biggest challenge now is learning who I am without the mask.
For a long time, I thought my mind was simply noisy, constantly jumping from one thing to another. More recently, I’ve started to understand what dysregulation feels like, and I’ve had glimpses of another side of myself. I jokingly call it “Tism Tezzy.” It’s quieter, calmer, and it’s the part of me that feels like I’m finally giving myself permission to just be autistic.
As I’m writing this, I’m sitting on my own in a quiet room. My tongue is sticking out, I’m stimming, and, for the first time in my life, that feels natural rather than something I should hide. That version of me is becoming more familiar, and I’m discovering that I really like him.
There’s still a lot for me to learn, and in many ways I feel like I’m back on day one of understanding myself. That’s why I’m here. I’d love to meet other autistic people, hear about your experiences, and continue exploring what being autistic means for me.
I’m really looking forward to getting to know you all.
