Relationship help

1966 said:

She will only meaningfully engage with me through marital counsellor. I'm ok with that but feel it should be done with a lens mindful of autism. Any advice on best ways to gain such support? 

I would make sure your marriage counsellor is well trained on dealing with NT/ND relationship issues as without this knowledge they are sorely lacking in understanding of what is happening.

I found getting a therapist who understood autism well was a good start then checking their couples counselling track record gave me the info I needed to agree on using them. 

Don't be afraid to ask to change if you think the counsellor lacks the skills - this is a wake up call to the counsellor to go an learn.

It also is useful, if sometimes painful, to realise that you cannot use autism as an excuse for any actions in the past. It may have influenced them but you have made choices / decisions through free will and it is healthy to acknowledge that mistakes may have been made.

I don't know your situation so this is only mentioned as a general guideline, please don't consider it an attack on you.

You now have the opportunity to learn about you autism, how the traits affect you and influence your decision making and you can hopefully also learn to have more empathy for your partner as well. Our choices often lead to coping mechanisms that impact those closest to us and you can not work on understanding how these impact others and if you need to change your behaviour.

Making the effort and being able to talk about it, especially the empathy part, is a huge part in starting to heal a damaged relationship in my experience.

1966 said:

Any advice on best ways to gain such support? 

Get yourself a therapist who really understands autism and they should be able to help you a lot. Personally I would recommend a psychotherapist as they tend to have more formal training in autism and ideally find one who has autistic family members so will have a lot of real life experience of long term support for them.

Good luck, this stage is a painful one but one that is critical to have a healthier relationship.

1966 said:

She will only meaningfully engage with me through marital counsellor. I'm ok with that but feel it should be done with a lens mindful of autism. Any advice on best ways to gain such support? 

I would make sure your marriage counsellor is well trained on dealing with NT/ND relationship issues as without this knowledge they are sorely lacking in understanding of what is happening.

I found getting a therapist who understood autism well was a good start then checking their couples counselling track record gave me the info I needed to agree on using them. 

Don't be afraid to ask to change if you think the counsellor lacks the skills - this is a wake up call to the counsellor to go an learn.

It also is useful, if sometimes painful, to realise that you cannot use autism as an excuse for any actions in the past. It may have influenced them but you have made choices / decisions through free will and it is healthy to acknowledge that mistakes may have been made.

I don't know your situation so this is only mentioned as a general guideline, please don't consider it an attack on you.

You now have the opportunity to learn about you autism, how the traits affect you and influence your decision making and you can hopefully also learn to have more empathy for your partner as well. Our choices often lead to coping mechanisms that impact those closest to us and you can not work on understanding how these impact others and if you need to change your behaviour.

Making the effort and being able to talk about it, especially the empathy part, is a huge part in starting to heal a damaged relationship in my experience.

1966 said:

Any advice on best ways to gain such support? 

Get yourself a therapist who really understands autism and they should be able to help you a lot. Personally I would recommend a psychotherapist as they tend to have more formal training in autism and ideally find one who has autistic family members so will have a lot of real life experience of long term support for them.

Good luck, this stage is a painful one but one that is critical to have a healthier relationship.